To Have Loved and Lost
by punkiemonkie
Summary: Is it truly better than to have never loved at all? Tifa, princess of the kingdom of Nibelheim, is in love with her childhood friend, Cloud. They fight against it, but the difference in their social status is bound to rip them apart. --AU. Cloud/Tifa--
1. Chapter I

**(A/N) **I've never written an alternate universe story before, so I hope it goes over well. O.o This was originally going to be a _Zelda _story, but I couldn't pull together an idea for an ending to it before I lost my inspiration for that series, so it never got published. I'm in love with the Cloud/Tifa pairing, and I'm not sure if anyone else has ever done this type of a story with them, but I thought it might be fun to write for a change. :3

I couldn't get it in the summary (curse you 255 character limit! DX) but this is rated for some sexual themes and violence in later chapters, which is why it received the 'T' rating. Both of them are mild, but I thought I'd give a warning just in case. The rest of it could pass for a K+ rating though. ;P

Writing a romance/tragedy story is another first for me, so I hope I do okay. :3 Oh, and it's in Tifa's point of view. :D

**To Have Loved and Lost**

_Is it truly better to have loved and lost  
__Than to have never loved at all?  
__When the other half of your soul leaves you  
__Are you grateful for the time you shared together  
__Or does the ache in your heart block out everything else?_

Chapter I

I walk down the little dirt path, the light breeze of the spring day whipping my dark hair around my face and causing my dress to flutter around my ankles. Luckily, I was able to slip away from the attendants my father usually insists that I have escort me on outings like this, so now I'm free to go and do what I will. The path I'm taking leads from the castle courtyard through a small field and out to the chocobo stables, where I'm fairly sure that I'll find what I'm looking for.

When I reach the large, wooden structure a moment later, I push the door open slowly; a low creak accompanying the motion. The smell of grain and the sounds of sounds of the chocobos calling softly greet me as I step inside. I reach out to the nearest bird that is leaning its head over the gate, running my fingers through the soft feathers on its head. It warks in approval, and I take a step away, quickly scanning the ground for what I've come here to get. A small smile crosses my face when I discover it.

Sure enough, I find him sleeping in a pile of hay towards the opposite end of the barn, snoring quietly. Trying to make my footsteps as quiet as possible against the wooden floorboards, I tiptoe down the row of stables until I reach him. Leaning over with my hands resting on my knees, I peer down at him while he sleeps. The blond, spiky locks of his hair surround his face messily, small bits of hay clinging to them here and there. His eyes are closed gently and there's a serene, innocent look on his face; content in his sleep.

He's my best friend; Cloud.

Both of his parents used to work for my father; or as most people in our little kingdom of Nibelheim know him, King Lockhart. His mother, a beautiful woman that gave Cloud his fair colored hair, was a talented seamstress that made all of the rugs, tapestries and even clothing for the royal family. His father tended to all of the chocobos kept for those living in the castle, just like Cloud does now. Though they worked for my father, he had always considered them to be friends.

One night over seven years ago, though, a tragic house fire claimed both of their lives, leaving Cloud orphaned. My father had always been fond of him during the time he had known his parents, so he decided to pay for a little house in town for Cloud to live in, in exchange for him taking over his father's job. He was just a young teenager, but he did the job like a man; grateful to my father for his aid.

We met shortly after that, one day that my nanny took me down to the stables for riding lessons. I was mesmerized by the strange little boy with hair not unlike the chocobos he cared for; intrigued with his easy smile and bright blue eyes. He taught me how to ride that day, and I kept begging my father to let me go back to the stables to see him every day after that. We bonded easily, and soon our friendship became a very natural thing, despite the difference in our social status.

I've gotten to watch him grow up with me; no longer that lanky teenage boy I met so many years ago, but now a man of twenty. His hair has stayed the same, and the innocence in his beautiful blue eyes has remained, but just about everything else physical about him has changed. His shoulders have broadened and he's finally taller than I am, if only by a few inches, though it made him immensely happy. Lean muscles cover his chest and flow down his arms, formed by long days of working around the barn.

As we've grown together physically, my feelings for him have also grown; not that I've ever said anything to him about it. I value his friendship above all else, but sometimes I wonder what it would be like to have more with him. It would be impossible, I know; because I am a princess, royalty, and he is not. When I'm with him though, and he's smiling at me or making me laugh, I tend to forget things like that. He doesn't treat me like a princess, just like a woman; one of the many reasons I enjoy being with him.

I lean closer to him, now kneeling on the floor, and use the tips of my fingers brush his hair away from his face. He sighs in his sleep, shifting slightly, but he doesn't wake. A devious idea starts to form in my mind then, and I have to cover my mouth with my hand to stifle a snicker. I walk over to the nearest stable, unlatching the gate and grabbing the reigns on the chocobo inside. I lead the bird over to wear Cloud is lying and nudge its neck down gently, hoping that it will take the hint. Chocobos are affectionate animals, so I think my plan will probably work.

To my delight, the chocobo takes does exactly as I wanted and leans all the way down to Cloud, before its tongue comes out and it licks all the way up his face; from chin to forehead. Cloud jumps awake instantly, letting out a little yelp and jerking away from the chocobo bearing down on him, his eyes huge in surprise. All hope of me remaining quiet dissipates quickly, and I collapse to the floor in a fit of laughter, holding my side.

His head snaps toward me at the sound, and I can tell by the accusing look on his face that he knows I'm behind his little wake up call. He groans in revulsion, cursing under his breath as he uses the sleeve of his shirt to wipe the side of his face. The chocobo warks happily, fluttering its wings, seeming to want to join in with my sniggering.

"Come on Tifa, this isn't funny," Cloud complains, continuing to rub at his cheek.

"Yes it is," I gasp between more fits of giggles.

He grumbles again, muttering something quietly that sounds a lot like the word 'disgusting'.

"What are you doing here anyway?" he asks after allowing me to continue to laugh for a moment, but he doesn't sound irritated, just confused. "It's early," he adds.

I wipe the beginnings of tears away from my eyes, and look over at him meaningfully.

"I figured that you probably fell asleep here _again_," I accuse him teasingly. "So I came looking for you."

He still has that little house in town that my father bought for him, but it's not all that close to the castle grounds where the chocobo stables are. He works long hours on most days, so he ends up falling asleep here sometimes.

"Yeah, I was working late last night," he admits, glancing over at me sheepishly.

"We were supposed to go fishing at the lake today, remember?" I ask, my eyebrows pulling together in a frown; he doesn't normally forget things like this.

A look of remorse crosses his features and he glances away from me, his hand coming up to scratch the back of his head nervously as he lets out a heavy sigh.

"Sorry Tifa, I forgot," he says apologetically, but then looks back at me with a grin hinting at the corners of his mouth. "Do you really think I deserved chocobo slobber for that, though?" he asks playfully.

"You looked so peaceful," I say, a few more giggles shaking my shoulders. "I couldn't resist."

He rolls his eyes at me, snorting in objection and pushing himself up off the floor. I sit up on the ground, watching him curiously as he takes a few steps away from me. A sly smile creeps across his face as he stares back at me, walking towards a bucket full of water on the floor by one of the stables. He probably wants me to believe that he's going to use it to wash his face, but the scheming look in his eyes gives his real intent away.

As he bends down to pick up the bucket, I stand up cautiously, taking a few steps away from him and back towards the entrance of the barn. He stares me down for a minute, calculating my reaction, and then suddenly jerks the bucket towards me. I shriek in surprise, turning and darting out of the way just before the icy water splashes to the ground where I was standing. Grabbing a fistful of the front of my dress, I hike it up and sprint out of the barn as fast as I can.

The sound of the empty bucket clattering to the ground resonates in the building, and then the sound of his footsteps follows it as he takes off after me. I burst out of the barn and into the sunlight in a matter of seconds, disregarding the path I came here on and running out into the grassy field beyond it. I make it to the top of the nearest hill before he catches me, grabbing me by the elbow. I'm not sure which one of us tripped or even how it happened, but suddenly we're both tumbling down the hill.

My vision is a swirling blur of grass, wildflowers and the occasional tree before we finally come to a stop where the slope ends. I'm dizzy and slightly nauseated from all the rolling, but that doesn't stop both of us from laughing like children as we lay there in the grass, trying to catch our breath. When our laughter has finally subsided, he rolls over to his side, sitting up slightly and propping himself up on his elbow as he looks down at me.

I meet his eyes, trying to understand the peculiar emotion lingering behind those clear, sapphire irises. A lazy smile is on his lips, and he reaches down with one hand to brush bits of grass out of my hair gently. His lips part as he starts to say something, but he's cut off by the sound of a rider on a chocobo approaching. We both sit up hastily, looking towards the top of the hill as the figure comes into view.

**To be continued…**

**(A/N)** Maybe nobody will like the concept of this, but I sure as heck enjoyed writing it. :D And don't worry, it's one of those stories that builds, but the romance _is_ coming. And then, alas, the tragedy. ;__; Can chocobos stick their tongues out? I say they can. ;P I _almost _used horses instead of chocobos, but I decided that it would be best not to change that, to keep with the _Final Fantasy_ theme, even if it is AU. Nothing more _Final Fantasy_ than chocobos! XD

Yes, I already have the rest of the story written, but I want to give people enough time in between updates to review, so I'll be posting a new chapter about every two weeks. :D I might post some other Cloud/Tifa oneshots in between the updates though, so just check out my profile for information. ;P

This isn't my first Cloud/Tifa story, but it_ is_ a new kind of story for me, so please review and let me know what you think. :3

-punkiemonkie


	2. Chapter II

**(A/N) **Yup, I know, I updated before I said I would. See my author's note at the end of this chapter for more info about the updates. ;P In case you hadn't noticed, I'm writing the chapter numbers in roman numerals, because I think they're cool. :3

**To Have Loved and Lost  
**Chapter II

The man mounted on the chocobo stares down at us from the hill's crest, and I recognize him at once. His name is Vincent Valentine, the tall, dark-haired man that my father considers to be his closest advisor. From what I've heard, he was once a great warrior, fighting in the many wars that brought our kingdom its independence long before I was born. Now though, he has taken the roll of counsel for my father, and as such, he occasionally gets roped into coming to check up on me.

Cloud stands up slowly, reaching down to take my hand and pulling me up alongside him. I'm distracted for a moment by the rough, calloused texture of his fingers, and how it feels against my own skin in that brief moment that our hands are touching. Vincent's deep, gravelly voice brings me back into reality though, and I look back up towards him.

"Princess Lockhart," he addresses me formally.

I let out a huff, crossing my arms over my chest; I've told him a thousand times that he doesn't have to call me that. I've known him for my whole life, so I don't know why he doesn't consider himself family by now. He's always been reserved and most always remains silent though, so maybe it's just in his nature not to get close to anyone.

Vincent ignores my reaction and continues, his crimson eyes appraising my disheveled appearance. "Your father requests your presence at the castle immediately."

He says the words without any inflection, but my heart jumps in response to his statement. Cloud must have sensed my distress, because his hand comes up to touch my shoulder in a comforting way, though my eyes remain on Vincent.

"What's wrong?" I demand, my voice jumping up an octave as my fear rises.

"He did not say what he wished to speak with you about, only that I was to come and summon you," Vincent says evenly.

I continue to stare at him warily, not sure of what I should do, until he adds on to his statement.

"I am sure that the king will not mind if Mr. Strife accompanies you," he says, his eyes darting towards Cloud momentarily.

I relax a little, glancing over at Cloud with a silent question.

He understands immediately, and gives me a nod. "Of course I'll come with you," he promises quietly.

Tugging on the chocobo's reins, Vincent turns the creature around and disappears back over the hill the way he came. He's obviously decided that I'm going to follow like he asked, and he's going to let us get to the castle on our own, because there's no way both of us would be able to fit on the back of his mount.

xXxXx

Cloud and I make our way towards the castle on foot, deciding that a chocobo would be too much hassle to fetch and saddle up for traveling such a short distance. I know that nothing horrible has happened now, so I'm content to take my time as I walk next to him. He stays close by my side, his hands tucked into his pockets. I wonder vaguely about if the circumstances were different, and I was not royalty, if he would be holding my hand while we walked together.

I exhale deeply, trying to push the thoughts out of my mind; it's foolish to think about things like that when there is no way to obtain them. I was born a princess, and he was born to a common family; there's nothing I can do to change that fact.

Cloud glances over at me upon hearing my sigh, the warm breeze blowing his hair across his face. "I'm sure everything is fine," he says softly, misinterpreting my anxiety to be about the situation.

I smile at him with reassurance anyway, and then turn my gaze back to the path in front of me, where the main entrance to the castle is coming into view around the corner.

The castle is an enormous structure, built entirely out of rectangular, gray stones in varying shades. It towers above the courtyard, surrounded by lush gardens filled with ponds, fountains and flowers of every kind. We walk down the cobblestone road that the path turns into, through the enormous wrought iron gates that have been pushed open; the guards standing at their posts to the side barely dipping their heads in acknowledgement as I walk past. By now, just about everyone in the castle knows who Cloud is, so they hardly ever pay him any mind.

As we approach the front door, another guard opens it and steps to the side, allowing us to pass. We make our way through the main room, our footsteps echoing off the stone floor and vaulted ceiling, and take a spiraling staircase up several stories and towards the king's chambers. Cloud follows after me silently, letting me lead the way in a path that is second nature to me. I turn to the right at the forked section of the path, going down a hallway lined with small windows and tapestries depicting the royal insignia; a decorative letter 'L', for our surname.

We finally reach the end of the hall, where tall, double wooden doors lead into my father's room. I notice Vincent standing to the side of the doors, and he pushes one of them open for me, though he doesn't meet my eyes. Cloud lets me go ahead of him, but he trails close behind without any hesitation. He doesn't seem to be the least bit worried about being here, though most commoners would never be allowed inside the castle, let alone in my father's personal room.

I step inside slowly, the rugs covering the floor muting the sound of my footfalls, but my father looks up at the sound of Vincent pulling the door shut behind us. My father and I have always been extremely close, especially after I lost my mother to an illness when I was very young. I never had any siblings, so it's always just been he and I in the immediate family. The downfall to this, however, is that I am the sole heir to the throne. That puts a bit of pressure on me, to say the least.

He's an older man now, heavier than he used to be; deep wrinkles forming on his forehead and the hairs of his beard starting to turn gray. I think most people are probably intimidated by him because of the air of dignity and demand for respect that he carries, but I always see him as the cheerful man that he is while he's away from duty. He grins widely when he sees me enter, from where he's sitting on his favorite wooden chair. He hefts himself up; setting aside the thick book that was in his lap.

"Tifa!" he calls out to me in his loud, gruff voice.

He strides over to me and takes my face into his big hands, kissing me on the cheek and causing the stubble on his jaw to scrape against my skin.

"I'm glad you're here, honey," he says as he pulls away from me. "And you brought Cloud with you, too," he observes with another smile.

"Your Majesty," Cloud says with a slight bow, and I stifle a giggle at his over politeness.

"I told you that I'll have your head if you keep up with that nonsense," he warns, the lighthearted threat accompanied by a bellowing laugh.

Cloud grins at him in response; he's always seemed to be comfortable around my father, even if he _is_ the king.

"I take it captain Valentine found you two together?" he asks, referring to Vincent.

I'm with Cloud almost every day, whether we go somewhere together or I come to the barn just watch him work. My father always knows where I am, so I'm sure he isn't surprised by the fact that we showed up here together. He trusts Cloud a great deal, or else he'd never let me be alone with him.

"Yes," I agree, and then I remember why we've come here in the first place. "What's going on?" I ask, tilting my head to the side.

My father looks almost confused by my question. "Did you forget?" he asks, acting as if the answer should be obvious.

I stare at him blankly for a moment, trying to figure out what on Gaia he means. Cloud is the one that give me my answer, though.

"It's your birthday tomorrow, Tifa," he reminds me, seeming to be amused that I've forgotten.

"Oh," I gasp in realization, my cheeks flushing slightly. "I can't believe I actually forgot," I say, shaking my head.

Of course it's my birthday tomorrow; I don't know how something like that could have slipped my mind. Cloud just turned twenty last August, and now it's early May, so I'll be turning nineteen. I wonder briefly if Cloud didn't know why my father wanted to see me all along, and he just didn't say anything. Probably not, because he knew I was worried; he just must have realized it by my father's words.

"We're going to be having a banquet for you tomorrow night," my father informs me.

I sigh in frustration. "Oh daddy, you know how much I hate those," I complain with a grimace, Cloud chuckling quietly behind me at my reaction.

"I know, sweetheart," he concedes, though I know I'm not being let off the hook. "But the townspeople love them, and it's a nice chance to get the family together," he explains.

I groan, pouting like a child, and Cloud's laughter increases in volume as he watches me.

"Of course, we'd be happy to have you there as well, Cloud," my father allows, glancing over at him.

He's probably trying to make the ordeal sound more appealing to me. Which, I have to admit, it does.

Cloud nods in agreement, his snickers quieting, leaving behind only a slight smile.

Exhaling again, I decide that there's no way I'm getting out of this. At least if Cloud will be there, it _might_ be bearable.

**To be continued…**

**(A/N) **Yay, the appearance of Vincent! :D He won't be the only familiar character showing up though. -hint, hint- ;P I tried to characterize Cloud more like he is in _Crisis Core_, because obviously he wouldn't be the same, stoic person that he is in _Advent Children_ if he had lived in an alternate universe. :3

I'm _very_ happy with the response that I got on the first chapter; I never thought so many people would like this! :D In light of that, (and the fact that just about _everyone_ has been complaining about the two week update time. ;P) I've decided that I'm going to update sooner now. I don't want to dedicate myself to _exactly_ once a week, but it will probably end up being about a week, plus or minus a few days. I'm just going to play it by ear according to my schedule and when the reviews happen to be showing up and such. :3

Thanks to everyone who reviewed the last chapter! I'm so happy that some people still liked this, even if it is a little bit of a bizarre situation for these characters. :D Leave another review for me, won't you? :3 Oh, and be on the lookout for the new oneshot that I'll be posting in a few days. ;P

-punkiemonkie


	3. Chapter III

**(A/N) **Here's chapter three! :D This is going to be the longest story that I've ever written, though I don't want to give away the _exact_ number of chapters so you won't see the ending coming. ;P

**To Have Loved and Lost  
**Chapter III

"I don't know why everyone thinks these extravagant parties are necessary," I complain to my attendant, Yuffie, while she's helping me get ready.

She's a young girl, a few years younger than me, but shorter and with a slighter figure. Despite the fact that she is of Wutai descent, a large country to the west of Nibelheim that has been threatening war with our kingdom for almost a decade, my father still chose to hire her several years ago, in place of my nanny. She has a bright personality and is always full of energy, a fact that makes her seem even younger than really she is. I've never considered her to be a servant; only a friend.

"You're a princess, Tifa. You've got to learn how to deal with it eventually," she says, pulling on the laces of the corset I'm wearing until I can hardly breathe.

My birthday party is tonight, and everyone in the castle has been bustling about since the early hours of the morning to try and prepare for it. I've had to spend much of the day getting ready too, so I haven't been able to leave the castle at all today, much to my disappointment. I like my home, but I enjoy the outdoors and the company of people other than those that live here with me far more.

I sigh as heavily as I can considering my lack of breathing room, warily eyeing the dress Yuffie is pulling from my closest. It's made out of dark blue, shiny satin and cut with a low, rectangular neckline. The sleeves come down to mid-arm because of the time of year, and it flares out at the hips; made puffy by multiple layers of fabric underneath. It's dignified of course, but much, much too flamboyant for my taste. I know there's nothing I can do about it, though.

"Where did _this_ come from?" I ask suspiciously as Yuffie helps me into it.

"It was just delivered a few days ago, I think your father bought it especially for tonight," she explains, brushing her dark, cropped hair away from her face.

I sigh again; I should have guessed as much. My father has the troublesome habit of trying to spoil me whenever he gets the chance.

When I'm fully dressed, Yuffie grabs me by the arm and tugs me towards my vanity mirror, where I notice a set of hot rollers sitting on the desk. Deciding not to make a fuss about it, I sit down on the cushioned seat in front of the mirror, and she begins twisting the rollers into different sections of my hair, one by one.

"Cloud's coming tonight, isn't he?" she asks as she lifts another lock of my hair and twirls it around a warm ceramic cylinder.

I smile; I had almost forgotten why this evening is going to be tolerable. "Yes, he is," I agree, not bothering to try and hide my reaction to the mention of his name.

Yuffie giggles, a high, trilling sound, and I swivel around to look at her.

"What?" I demand, thought my tone is still light.

"You two are just so cute together," she says with a childlike grin, her big, dark eyes lighting up with amusement.

I roll my eyes at her, turning back around so she can finish fixing my hair. "You know it's not like that between us," I remind her.

"Oh _please_," she scoffs, her chin jutting out in defiance. "I've seen the way he looks at you."

I smile despite my attempt to hide it, heat rising to my cheeks. My smile disappears though, when reality comes crashing down on me once again, like it always does when I start thinking these kinds of things.

"It _can't_ be like that," I clarify, watching a frown appear on my brow in my reflection in the mirror.

Yuffie notices my expression, and a sympathetic look crosses her face. "It will work out someday, Tifa," she says.

Always the optimist.

xXxXx

About a half hour later, Yuffie begins pulling the rollers from my hair; dark ringlets falling around my shoulders. I let her pin the top half of my hair back, but refuse vehemently when she suggests that I wear a matching set of shimmering diamond earrings and a gaudy golden necklace. I'm not going to pitch a fit about the dress, but if I'm going to get through this night, then I have to do it with _some_ sense of my own taste.

Opting for flat slippers instead of heels, I make my way down the winding staircase and out towards the ballroom, where my party awaits. The noise reaches me before I'm through the doorway; sounds of a band playing softly, glasses clinking together, and hundreds of people talking all at once, creating an unintelligible hum. I take a deep breath, preparing myself for the onslaught of the crowd, and step through the arched doorway.

Thankfully, no one in particular notices me at first, so I'm able to have a moment of peace. I scan the huge throng of people, looking for my father, and in the process realize that I don't know even half of the guests here. It's really no surprise, because I know this party actually has very little to do with me, even if it is _my_ birthday. Formal gatherings like this are generally held for political reasons; for the king to be able to meet with other leaders and connect with the townspeople. Not that I mind, I'd rather not be the center of attention anyway.

The ballroom is the largest room in the castle, with a polished marble floor and enormously high ceiling, so it's usually used for most functions like this. It's on the second story, and there are huge windows along one side of the massive room, and several doors that lead to the balconies outside. The band, complete with a violin, flute and even a harp, is situated on a raised wooden platform in one corner of the dance floor. All sorts of different foods and drinks are laid out on white silk, cloth-covered tables, and there are dozens of servants weaving in and out of the crowd, balancing silver trays filled with appetizers or wine glasses.

I finally spot my father form across the room, talking with a tall, blond man that I've never seen before, and I start to make my way towards him. I weave through the mass of people, finally breaking away from most of them and out onto the dance floor. Deciding that I should try and stay out of the way of the couples that are dancing, I choose walk around the outer edge of the circle. My plan was to ask my father if he had seen Cloud yet, but as I approach him, he speaks up first.

"There's my little girl," he announces, stepping over to me and guiding me by the shoulder. "There's someone who wants to meet you, dear," he says, motioning towards the fair-haired man he's been talking to, who is now standing in front of us.

The man is tall and lean, dressed formally in a way that indicates that he must be royalty, with his fair hair slicked back neatly. His face looks kind, but his pale, blue eyes follow my every move in a way that's almost unnerving. He takes an exaggerated bow in front of me, pronouncing his title with a distinct air of dignity.

"Prince Rufus ShinRa, of the kingdom Midgar," he declares in a voice that's like velvet.

"So nice to meet you, Lord ShinRa," I say, forcing a smile.

He kneels down before me, taking my right hand in his and pressing his lips to the back of it. I do my best to be polite and not to cringe away, but it doesn't stop my stomach from feeling the slightest bit queasy from the touch. I've never been comfortable with displays of affection like this, especially from men that I don't know, though they often accompany greetings as a show of respect for my position as princess.

"May I have this dance?" Rufus asks politely, his eyes burning with anticipation so intensely that it almost makes me afraid.

I glance around for my father, my hopes of escape dying when I realize that he's already drifted away and become caught up in a conversation with someone else. Stopping myself from sighing in defeat, I look back at the prince, and give him a nod of approval. He takes my hand in his, leading me out onto the dance floor.

Despite the fact that there is something about him that unsettles me, I'm able to admit that he _is_ a pretty good dancer. He leads me easily, though his hand on my back is a bit lower than I'm comfortable with, and he holds me closer than I'd like. He twirls me across the reflective floor gracefully, my dress swirling around my legs and the curls of my hair bouncing slightly. I dance with him for a few minutes, trying my best to avoid the stare of his almost gray eyes.

Suddenly, as I'm spinning back to him, I catch sight of something beyond the open balcony doors that piques my attention. I peer over Rufus's shoulder at the figure leaning against the railing of the terrace, smiling to myself when I recognize the blond, spiky hair blowing in the wind outside.

I glance up at Rufus with an apologetic smile plastered on my face. "Will you excuse me for a moment?" I ask politely, removing my hand from his and stepping back from him before he has time to answer.

He nods, releasing me, but I can swear that I feel his eyes boring into my back as I walk across the room towards the balcony. He's attracted to me, I can tell, but I'm not quite sure why that troubles me so much.

xXxXx

As I step through the open doors and out onto the veranda, Clouds head snaps up, a smile appearing on his lips that I can't help but return. He pushes himself away from the railing, walking over to me slowly.

"Who was that?" he asks curiously, nodding over my shoulder and towards the ballroom.

An almost worried look crosses his face, and I find myself flushing slightly when he mentions it; embarrassed that Cloud had seen me dancing with him.

"_Prince_ Rufus ShinRa," I answer, enunciating the title with sarcasm because I no longer have to hide my disgust; men of royalty have never been my type.

Cloud chuckles lightly, seeming to be pleased with my response. "You look really beautiful, by the way," he says, grinning at me sheepishly.

My blush darkens, and I'm suddenly thankful for the cover of the darkness outside.

"Thank you," I whisper, but the let out a huff when I remember what I'm wearing. "I feel awful though," I add with a grimace. "Yuffie laced this corset up so tight that I can barely breathe."

He laughs more freely then, though it doesn't last for very long before he looks serious again. "Here," he says, pulling a small wooden box out of his pocket. "I got you a birthday present."

I gasp in surprise, taking the tiny box from his hands tentatively. Words escape me for the moment, so I settle for opening it. I pull the little twine bow apart and lift the lid off of the box, revealing a pair of teardrop-shaped pearl earrings that shimmer in the light of the moon overhead.

"Happy Birthday, Tifa," he says quietly as I stare down at them.

Gasping again, I look up at his face, trying to form a coherent sentence. "Th-these must have cost a fortune!" I exclaim, barely able to tear my eyes away from them.

There's no way Cloud could have afforded to buy something like this on his salary, at least not without completely decimating his life's savings.

He shakes his head reassuringly. "They were my mother's," he explains simply, and the knowledge robs me of speech for another moment.

"They're beautiful, Cloud," I say when my tongue decides to work once more. "Thank you," I tell him, meeting his eyes with a sincere smile.

A big grin spreads across his face in response, and then he glances over his shoulder quickly to the ground below the balcony, the smile turning devious.

"Let's get out of here and go do something fun," he suggests, holding his hand out to me.

I look behind me at all the guests I don't know dancing at an overly extravagant party that isn't really for me; Cloud's offer sounding more appealing by the second. Quickly making my decision, I take his hand. Nobody will miss me anyway.

**To be continued…**

**(A/N) **Hehe, prince Rufus. Bet you didn't see that one coming. ;P One of my favorite scenes is coming up in the next chapter. Woot! :D I should have called this _The Princess and the Chocobo Head. _You know, like _The Princess and the Pauper_? Haha…I'm not funny, I know. XD

Thanks for all of the reviews guys! I never dreamed that so many people would like this, but I'm so glad that you do! :D

Favorites are always appreciated, but I've love a review even more. ;P As anyone that's reviewed the last two chapters probably knows, I usually reply to all of my reviews, because it seems that there are very few people on this site that actually take the time to leave them anymore, so I'm grateful for every one that I get. :3

-punkiemonkie


	4. Chapter IV

**To Have Loved and Lost  
**Chapter IV

Rather than go through the ballroom and risk getting spotted slipping away together, Cloud leads me down from the balcony's second story, using the wooden, vine-covered lattice to scale down the wall. I'm terrified of heights, but luckily he is much more sure of his balance, so he stays beside me the whole way down to make sure I don't fall. When we reach the ground, I suddenly understand why he had glanced over his shoulder before. There's a chocobo tied to a post not far away, waiting to help us make our getaway; he must have been planning this.

He grins at me and I return it quickly; it seems to be a contagious thing tonight, caused by the thrill of doing something rebellious. He hoists himself up onto the chocobo's back after he unties its reins, and offers his hand down to help me up. I make a jump for it, and he lifts me into the saddle behind him; something I didn't think would be so easy in this impractical dress. I make myself as comfortable as I can, hooking my arms around his waist as he kicks the bird in its sides with his heels, urging it to move forward.

"Where are we going?" I ask him as the chocobo carries us away from the castle and out into the field to the east.

"You'll see," is the only answer I get from him, but I decide not to push for more information and let him surprise me.

I settle myself against him, closing my eyes and resting my cheek against his back. I'm content there, listening to the sound of his breathing, so it doesn't seem like long before we come to a stop. Leaning away from him and looking around, I slowly piece together where we are. It's the largest lake in Nibelheim, the one Cloud and I have come to since we were children to either swim or fish in. I don't think I've ever actually seen it at night, and the beauty of it takes my breath away.

The crescent shape of the glowing moon is reflecting off of its glassy surface, ripples in the water distorting the image. The moon is the only source of light here, and it casts a glowing aura on the whole scene. Thousands of tiny, shimmering stars dot the sky, the view of them unobstructed by anything but the occasional tree out here. Cloud slides off the chocobo while I'm still mesmerized, taking my hand and helping me down a moment later.

"It's beautiful," I observe in a whisper.

Cloud nods in agreement. "I thought you'd like it," he says with a small smile, tying the chocobo's reins to the nearest tree so it won't wander off and leave us stranded.

I smile back at him, and then my eyes go wide as I watch him grab the hem of his shirt and yank it over his head. He kicks off his boots and starts pulling at his pants next, and I'm stunned silent for a moment before I finally find my voice.

"What are you doing?" I gasp in surprise, giggling at the sight.

"Going swimming," he says simply, like it's something that should be obvious.

"You've _got_ to be kidding," I say in disbelief. "That water will be freezing!"

He rolls his eyes at me, walking towards the shore of the lake in nothing but his underwear. "Come on, it will be fun," he urges, but I shake my head in protest.

"No way," I reply, crossing my arms over my chest.

"Afraid you'll ruin your pretty dress?" he asks sarcastically, smirking at me where he's now standing by the shoreline that's lapping at his toes.

I know he's teasing, because he knows me better than anyone else, so he's well aware of my distaste for overly elegant things.

I stick my tongue out at him in defiance. "No, I'm afraid of freezing to death," I explain obstinately.

Cloud snorts at me, rolling his eyes again, and then turns suddenly to dive into the water. He slips in smoothly, barely disrupting the water's surface, and he comes up a second later a few yards out, shaking his head and making droplets fly from his hair. Lifting one of his arms out of the water, her waves over to me, beckoning me to join him.

"It's fine," he calls, trying to reassure me.

I hesitate, shifting on my feet as I watch him.

"Come on, Tifa," he insists.

I sigh, defeated. He's obviously not going to give up until I go with him, so I might as well get it over with. He gives me my privacy, averting his eyes from me while I undress by lying on his back, floating across the surface of the lake. It takes me a minute of fighting with my dress, but I finally get it off, not caring as it falls to the ground in a pool of blue satin around my ankles. I leave it where it falls and reach behind me for the corset laces, relieved instantly when they give way.

Sliding off my shoes and removing the pins from my hair, I make sure the box with my earrings is safe with my clothes so I won't loose it in the dark later. Then I step hesitantly towards the water's edge, my underwear covered only by the thin fabric of my slip. Luckily, the air outside tonight isn't all that chilly, so I'm not cold standing here. I'm sure the water will be_ much_ colder though, which doesn't sound very appealing.

Cloud sits up, treading water, watching me as I hesitantly dip my toe down into the lake where it meets the edge of the sand; testing its temperature.

"Just jump in," he says almost impatiently.

I grimace at him and he fights a chuckle, but I decide that will be the only way I'll ever get in the water. Counting silently to three in my head, I force myself to leap away from the bank, splashing into the lake unceremoniously a half a second later. It's not quite as cold as I thought it'd be, but the abrupt change in temperature still takes my breath away, and I'm gasping when I reach the surface.

"It _is_ freezing!" I accuse Cloud, shivering violently and hugging myself around the middle where I'm standing the chest-high in the water.

He shows me no sympathy, laughing at me instead. "You'll get used to it," he promises, looking like the cold isn't affecting him in the least.

I stand there shivering for awhile, and although I'm too stubborn to admit it to him, I do get used to the water in a matter of minutes. There are still goose bumps across my skin, but it's much more bearable than before.

We swim together in silence for long time, simply enjoying the moment. Around most people, I always seem to feel the need to fill silence with idle talk, but Cloud is different. There doesn't need to be meaningless words passed between us when I'm with him, I'm just content to be near him.

I giggle unexpectedly, and he looks over at me with uncertainty from where he is a few yards away.

"What?" he asks, sounding thoroughly confused.

"Thank you for saving me from that awful party," I tell him, laughing with relief.

He laughs with me. "You're welcome," he replies.

Cloud sits up then, swimming a little ways and then walking through the water towards me. I lean back until my feet touch the ground too, ending up standing in waist-deep water, trying to decipher the strange expression on his face. Maybe it's because of the shadows the moonlight is casting across his features, but he almost looks worried, which is a strange thing for him. He's usually so carefree; I wonder what could be bothering him now.

He comes to a stop when he reaches me, standing just inches away from my body. My eyes are drawn to his torso for a moment, fascinated by the way the water droplets sparkle in the moonlight as they run down his skin; tracing the contours of the muscles on his chest and stomach. Heat floods my cheeks and warms the tips of my ears, and I force myself to look back up at his face quickly.

When I meet his eyes, I find myself swallowing thickly; something about the way he's looking down at me and how his eyes are smoldering is making my stomach do flip-flops. His hand comes up to cup my cheek, the wetness of the water not masking the warmth of his skin. He tilts my chin up, bringing my face closer to his, but I don't understand what's happening until it actually happens, and his lips are on mine.

Though my mind is caught in a state of shock and my heart is thumping violently against my ribs, somehow my body knows just how to react to the gentle way his lips are moving against mine. My hands slide up his chest, marveling at how smooth his skin feels beneath my fingertips, and he shivers slightly in response. I hook my arms around the back of his neck, pulling him closer to me as my fingers thread through his damp hair.

He moans softly against my mouth, the sound sending a thrill up my spine and making me shudder involuntarily against his body. His other hand, the one that's not holding my face, moves to rest against the small of my back, holding me closer to him still. The simple touch invigorates me, and my heart beats even more wildly in my chest. I gasp quietly against his mouth, our lips still moving with a rhythm of their own.

A moment later though, his lips separate from mine, leaving us both panting heavily. We stay close together, our foreheads resting against each other as we try to regain our breath. My arms are still wrapped around the back of his neck, though my fingers are no longer tangled in his hair. He moves his palm from my face, both of his hands now clasped around my waist, holding me against him. He pulls his face back from mine a small amount, meeting my eyes in an intense stare. I'm lost in the clear blue of his eyes for a moment, watching excitement dancing behind his gaze, before his husky voice finally breaks the silence.

"I'm in love with you, Tifa," he whispers, his warm breath brushing across my face.

My eyelids slide closed, savoring the words but fighting against the intense emotion that they evoke inside of me. The feeling overwhelms me, making my eyes well up with moisture. A few quiet tears streak down my cheeks despite my willing against it, but he brushes them away softly with his fingertips. He must understand that they're from happiness though, because he doesn't say anything, he only holds me and waits patiently for me to respond.

I never dreamed that I'd get to hear him tell me this; I had always thought that I was just a friend to him, no matter what I felt underneath that. Now though, hearing him confess this in such a raw, genuine way, I have no doubt in my mind that he cares for me just as intensely as I've always cared for him. It makes my heart feel warm and my skin tingle; so intense that my legs almost feel shaky, and I'm glad that he's holding me up.

After I've had my moment to take it all in, I smile at him, opening my eyes to meet his once again. The words come easily, but I've been holding them back for so long that it sends a quiver through my heart when I hear them fall from my lips.

"I love you too, Cloud," I say softly.

Not able to hold back the tears of joy any longer, they spill over the rims of my eyelids, so the image of his returning smile is blurred. His hands cup my cheeks again, and he pulls my face back up to his, molding his lips against mine once more. Neither of us says anything more, we just stay there, lost in each other for an immeasurable moment.

**To be continued…**

**(A/N) **This was one my favorite scenes to write, and I'm sure you know why. ;P Just to make sure nobody is confused here, I'm in no way implying that they had sex here. _No_ sex in the middle of a lake, give me a break. XD

I'm working on several new things in the midst of posting the updates on this, so don't be afraid to check my profile for the info on them. ;P

Thank you to all of you lovely people that have reviewed, all the feedback on this has been wonderful. :D If you liked it enough to put it in your favorites or alerts, please take a few seconds to leave me a review. They make all the writing worth while. :3

-punkiemonkie


	5. Chapter V

**To Have Loved and Lost  
**Chapter V

I'm not sure how long we stay there in the lake, because the meaning of time ceases to exist while I'm there with him, but eventually Cloud insists that it's getting late and he should take me home. Reluctantly, we gather our clothes and dry off the best we can, still caught in a state of bliss. Soon he's mounting the chocobo and pulling me in the saddle behind him, and we start heading back towards the castle grounds. We ride in contented silence, until we are as close as we dare go without the fear of being spotted by one of the guards. He kisses my lips softly, and leaves me with the overwhelming knowledge that he loves me.

It takes me a moment to regain my proper balance and organize my thoughts, but when I do it's back to the task at hand: trying to sneak back up to my room without getting the alarm sounded that I've been away.

Creeping across the castle grounds as silently as I can, I pass only a few guards that pay me little mind, and enter the castle nearly unnoticed. I step up the stairs quietly, the box with my present securely in my hand, heading down the darkened hall that's lit only by a few sporadic candles. I finally reach the entrance to my room at the end of the last corridor, and jump back when I see that there's a figure leaning against the wall next to my door.

My hand flies to my mouth, stifling a scream when I recognize that it's only Vincent. His deep red eyes are glinting in the minimal light, silently appraising my appearance. I'm wearing my shoes once again and I've put my dress back on, albeit with a few extra wrinkles. There wasn't much I could do about my hair being wet though, so I'm sure that gives me away. Though my heart keeps beating erratically, I regain my composure and find my voice.

"Vincent," I whisper, not wanting to draw any extra attention from anyone that might hear my voice. "What are you doing here?"

He disregards my question, throwing one of his own at me. "Where have you been?" he asks, his rough voice somehow remaining quiet.

I sigh softly, deciding that there's no way I'm going to be able to bluff my way out of this one.

"I was with Cloud," I confess, though his face still remains emotionless. "He took care of me, really, it was fine," I explain hastily, trying to lessen my offense.

Vincent says nothing for a few long moments, looking like he's lost in thought, so I speak up again, uncomfortable with the silence around him.

"Were you worried about me?" I ask teasingly, testing to see how he's taking the news.

He hesitates for a moment, pushing himself away from the stone wall, his eyes not focused on mine.

"I saw you dancing with Lord Rufus at the banquet," he says finally, his voice inflectionless and flat. "I was concerned that your disappearance might have had something to do with him."

"Why, what's wrong with him?" I ask, surprised by the strange turn this conversation has taken.

"He is…" he pauses seeming to search for the right words. "A man that gets what he wants," Vincent finishes, drilling me with a serious stare.

I gulp unconsciously, a spike of fear jolting through my veins suddenly. "I'll be careful then," I promise quietly.

He gives me a slight nod and starts to take a few slow steps down the hall.

"You won't tell my father I was out, will you?" I ask him, worry leaking into my tone no matter how hard I try to hide it.

I'm sure my father wouldn't mind _terribly_ if he knew that I ditched the party, especially if he knew that I was with Cloud, but I'd rather not to have that discussion with him if I can at all avoid it.

Vincent turns his head to the side a little, calling back to me almost inaudibly. "I do not believe it is necessary for him to know," he assures me.

Sighing in relief and deciding to take that as a 'no', I turn to slip into my room as quietly as I can, shutting my door softly behind me. I strip off my clothes, leaving them in a pile, and set the box with my earrings in it on my desk before pulling on a nightgown. Crawling under the covers of my bed, I settle into my pillow and the comforting softness of the chocobo down, suddenly feeling exhausted by the full day I've had. Before long, I'm drifting off into a peaceful sleep full of sweet dreams that are only rivaled by my new reality of being in love, and being loved in return.

xXxXx

I lose track of the days, weeks and then months that Cloud and I spend together in an almost permanent state of joy. He shows up to take me somewhere with him every chance he gets, and I come down to the stables to talk to him while he works on the days that he can't get away. He kisses me often, though it's always in a gentle, innocent way. My heart still flutters softly every time his lips touch mine, and my cheeks turn pink, though more out of delight than embarrassment, each time he tells me I'm beautiful or that he loves me. I know it's not just talk, he honestly means it; I can see it in his eyes and in his smile.

It's an easy thing, being with him. Natural, like breathing. Many times I find myself just standing with him, letting him hold me against his chest in content silence, not needing any words. He holds my hand while we're alone in the stables our out by the lake, but it makes my heart ache when we have to walk apart from each other while we're in public. It's a cruel, bittersweet thing: being so in love and not being allowed to show it openly.

I'm not quite sure what the punishment for a princess having a romantic relationship with someone who is not royalty would be, or if one even exists. My father probably wouldn't mind much, even if we can't be together lawfully, but it wouldn't look good in the eyes of the citizens. Rumors would start circling around, I'm sure of it, and that wouldn't bode well for my father's image as king. We're happy though, despite not being able to display it in front of anyone else, and the days just seem to fly by.

One day, when the seasons are changing and the multicolored leaves of autumn are beginning to fall from their branches with the early signs of winter, Yuffie comes bursting into my room with some news. It's early in the morning, and I haven't been doing much since I got out of bed; just lingering in my room and occupying myself with a book. Her dramatic entrance startles me, making me almost jump out of my chair and drop my novel.

"Cloud is here to see you," she announces, sounding almost giddy.

She grins suggestively at me, but I roll my eyes, standing up. I haven't exactly spelled out the fact that Cloud and I are more than just friends now to Yuffie, but she's a smart girl, and I think the change in my mood has given it away. She's a great friend and I trust her, so I know she would never tell anyone even if I _did_ explain it to her outright. My main reason for not saying anything is that I don't want to have to hear her go on about how wonderful it is for hours on end, which I know her well enough to expect.

Grabbing a sweater and a scarf to keep warm, I follow her out of my room and let her lead me down the stairs to the foyer. I shoo her away before I exit out into the courtyard to find him, and she giggles and tells me to have fun. Smiling both in anticipation of seeing him once again and because Yuffie's mood is rubbing off on me, I step out the door, the brisk wind chilling the exposed skin on my face and hands. I walk down the path and over to the main gate, where I know that he'll be waiting for me.

Not surprisingly, I find Cloud leaned up against the stone wall by the gate, a saddled chocobo standing beside him. He glances up when he hears me approach, a smile instantly spreading across his lips as he meets my gaze and notices the smile on mine. I stop when I'm standing in front of him, staring up into his eyes. This is one of the times that I hate having to hide my affection for him, because I want more than anything to be able to throw my arms around him the moment I'm close enough.

I stifle the urge, noticing the way he's shifting on his feet; probably feeling the same way that I am. He doesn't say anything yet, but he turns from me a moment later, shoving his foot into the stirrup and swinging himself up onto the chocobo's back. When he's situated he holds his hand out to me; offering to help me up. I take it gladly, falling into place behind him on the saddle. He twists halfway back towards me then, and there's a mischievous look in his eyes.

"Where are we going?" I ask, already starting to get excited.

"It's a surprise," he replies, that sly smirk that I love hinting at the corners of his mouth.

"You and your surprises," I say, mocking him lightheartedly.

Without thinking, I lean in to press my lips against his quickly, forgetting for a moment where we are. When I pull back from him a look of dread surely crosses my face, but he smiles at me anyways; he's been even more carefree than usual since we've been together. He turns back around, nudging the chocobo in its sides to set it in motion at a slow pace, taking long strides away from the castle. I glance over my shoulder cautiously, my heart jumping as I catch the eyes of the only servant lingering in the courtyard, who is staring at me with a horrified look frozen on her face.

**To be continued…**

**(A/N) **Le gasp! The drama begins! Hehe. :3 Lots of foreshadowing here, even if this is sort of a filler chapter. I'm loving dropping the hints. ;P I hope no one will guess the _entire_ outcome of the story though, I'd like to think that it's not _that_ obvious. O__O

I apologize for the late update; I was hoping that I would get a few more reviews if I waited a bit longer, thinking that maybe the holiday season was the cause for the reviewer absence, but alas. Maybe I've just gotten spoiled on the ten reviews per chapter average... XD Can I hope for a better response to this chapter, maybe? -makes pitiful puppy dog eyes- Hehe.

Oh, and I've made a sneak peak list of new stories that I'm working on at the moment on my profile, so if you're interested go check it out! :D

Thanks to everyone that takes the time to tell me your opinions about this, and a special thank you to VivaLaQueen (at least I'm assuming it was you…) for adding this story to your C2 community! :D Please take a moment to leave another review, I treasure each one. :3

-punkiemonkie


	6. Chapter VI

**To Have Loved and Lost  
**Chapter VI

Cloud refuses to tell me where we're headed even as we reach the town, but I put it together when he pulls the chocobo to a halt in front of the little cottage. It belongs to his best friend, Zack Fair, the local blacksmith in Nibelheim. He lives here with his wife Aeris, whom I've come to befriend over the years, and their two young children. I haven't seen them in some time, so I'm glad that Cloud decided to take me here today.

Luckily, I don't normally get recognized as being the princess by people in town, and even when I do it's not like I get harassed. My father is well-liked throughout the kingdom for all the good things he's done with his leadership over the years, so I'm never worried about being threatened or kidnapped or anything like that. Still, it's nice to be able to blend in with normal people, and not be treated any differently like I usually am by those around the castle.

My eyes follow Cloud while he dismounts the chocobo and ties its reins to a nearby fence post, and soon he looks back at me with a sheepish grin.

"We haven't seen them in awhile, so I thought you might like to come for a visit," he explains as he's helping me down to stand next to him.

I smile at him, pleased with his choice for an activity today. "It's a good idea," I agree, following behind him as he starts up the walkway to the front of their house.

He knocks twice against the wooden front door with his knuckle, and several moments later it swings open. Aeris stares at the two of us in shock for a minute, and then her face breaks into an angelic smile. She's a beautiful woman, only two years older than I am, with bright green eyes and long brown hair that's usually pulled back into a neat braid. She's most always cheerful; a personality that matches the brilliantly colored flowers that grow around her home, even now in the winter.

"Cloud, Tifa! I'm glad to see you, it's been so long," she greets us, her voice bright. "Come in out of the cold," she beckons, opening the door wider.

Aeris steps aside, allowing us to pass, and I suddenly notice the little baby cradled in her arms, bundled up in a blanket. Her little eyelids are closed and her dark, wispy hair is sticking out from under the little bonnet on her head, fast asleep in her mother's arms. I find myself smiling at the sight as I enter the house, and the heated air inside that's coming from the furnace warms my whole body instantly; I hadn't realized just how cold it was outside today.

Cloud closes the door behind himself and Aeris looks over at him, a playful smile turning up the corners of her mouth.

"I know you didn't come here to sit inside all day with me," she accuses him teasingly.

He grins at her in response. "Where is he?" Cloud asks, knowing what she means.

Aeris motions with her free hand towards the back of the house. "Zack is out in the shed," she informs him, shifting her baby in her arms.

Because Zack is a blacksmith, he often finds himself making different types of swords, whether for the citizens in town or the royal guard. He's picked up quite a lot of skill with a sword over the years, most of it learned from his father who also specialized in the craft, and Cloud has insisted for the quite awhile that he be given lessons as well. Every time we come here for a visit they end up out in the work shed training, while Aeris and I make ourselves content in the house or out in her garden.

Cloud glances at me, meeting my eyes meaningfully, and I answer his silent question.

"Go ahead, go play," I tease him, and he grins even wider.

Unexpectedly, he leans down quickly to press his lips against my temple. He's obviously glad that we're somewhere that we don't have to hide it, and I am too, but that doesn't stop me from blushing in response. My eyes follow him as he walks past us and through the other part of the house, the sound of the back door closing reaching us after a few seconds. I look back at Aeris, who is watching me warily with a startled but pleased expression on her face.

"What was _that_ all about?" she asks when we're alone, smiling at me suggestively.

I hesitate, trying to find just the right way to answer her. "Cloud and I are…closer than we used to be," I explain slowly, my blush darkening but a smile on my face with the thought.

Aeris nods in understanding, her smile widening. She's been able to see beyond our friendship for even longer than Yuffie has, but she's never pestered me about it like the younger girl. Aeris wouldn't tell anyone about us any sooner than Yuffie would, so I know our secret is safe with her. Her lips separate as she begins to add something else, but she's interrupted by the sound of her other child crying out for her in a room down the hall. She hesitates, trying to figure out what to do with the baby in her arms.

"Will you hold her?" she asks, looking worried that I might not like to.

"Sure," I agree with a smile, reaching out to take the little warm bundle from her grasp.

As soon as she's sure that I have a good hold on her, Aeris races down the hall to quiet the other youngster. I make myself comfortable on the little sofa in their living room, looking down at the baby in my arms. Though I can't quite remember when she was born, I'm fairly certain that their daughter is just a little over a year old. While I gaze down at her peaceful, sleeping face, her eyelids slowly slide open; vivid jade irises much like her mother's staring back at me.

She makes tiny bubbling sounds, reaching one tiny hand up to touch my cheek. I smile at her, brushing her raven-colored hair away from her face. Aeris reenters the room a moment later, carrying her son on her hip. He's a few years older than his sister, with messy dark hair like his father's on his head as well, though his eyes are dark blue rather than green; more like Zack's. Aeris sits down on the cushion next to me with a huff, letting the little boy sit in her lap and play with her hair.

"He's getting to that age where he's starting to protest naptime," she explains, her eyebrows pulling together and an uncharacteristic look of frustration appearing on her face. "He's been really fussy lately; I think he's picking it up from his father." she says with a little impish smirk.

I giggle lightly at the jab at her husband; so full of affection that it hardly qualifies as an insult.

xXxXx

Aeris and I sit in her living room for quite awhile, chatting happily while we catch up and minding her children when it's needed. She leads her son and I into the little kitchen mid-afternoon, after she's gotten her baby back to sleep, set on baking a loaf Zack's favorite pumpkin bread for when he finally decides to come back into the house. I've always had maids that cooked for me my whole life, so I've never gotten to learn how. Aeris is a patient teacher though, and we have a lot of fun even though we do make a huge mess.

Both of our men come back into the house after a few hours, laughing together and covered in sweat from practicing, despite the cold outdoor weather. Zack is quite a bit taller than Cloud is, and the muscles on his arms and chest look a bit more defined under his shirt. I can't imagine why though, seeing as how they both do difficult physical labor every day. Zack's dark hair sticks up wildly on his head when it's not pulled back into a short ponytail; his children seem to both take after him in that respect.

"Hey, Tifa!" Zack exclaims when he sees Aeris and I sitting in the living room, a typical wide grin on his face. "Good to see you again, princess," he teases, patting me on the head.

I smile back at him; his good mood is most always infectious. "Nice to see you too, Zack," I reply.

Cloud snorts at his derogatory comment, but Zack ignores him and walks over to Aeris, bending down to pick up his son who had been playing contentedly at my feet on the way there. Aeris has her daughter back in her arms, so he has to lean around the little sleeping girl to plant a quick kiss on his wife's lips. She smiles at him pleasantly, the look of pure love in their eyes as they gaze at each other plainly obvious.

Jealousy has never been one of my prominent qualities, but the feeling suddenly overwhelms me now. Sitting here, watching Aeris in her little house with the man she loves and the two children she has with him, I suddenly realize that this is what_ I_ want, too. I want it desperately, to share this sort of experience with Cloud, but it's a life that I will never be able to live. The feeling of longing spreads through my chest, and even after Cloud and I leave them behind and head back to the castle, the image of the happy family I will never be allowed to have still lingers in my mind.

**To be continued…**

**(A/N) **I couldn't resist throwing Zack and Aeris in here; they're just too awesome to leave out. :3 If I can find a situation in a story where either of them can be alive, then damn it I'm going to put them in there! XD I wasn't able to decide on any names for their children though, so I cleverly avoided that. ;P

Thank you everyone for all of the reviews! I grin like an idiot every time I see one in my inbox. XD Also, a special thank you to an anonymous reviewer named _andy_, because you went back and reviewed every chapter. I can't reply to those reviews obviously, so I thought I'd thank you here, because that meant a lot to me. :3 You too, _shibara1310_; thank you for all of your awesome reviews! :D

-punkiemonkie


	7. Chapter VII

**(A/N) **Yay, chapter seven! It must be special, because this is a _Final Fantasy VII_ story, right? Just wait and see. :3

**To Have Loved and Lost  
**Chapter VII

It's starting to get dark by the time Cloud and I make it back to the castle grounds, the glowing sun slowly sinking behind the trees of the forest in the distance. The town is only a few dozen miles away, but our chocobo was probably tired from having to make the trip both ways today, so it took longer for us to get back. He kisses goodnight me where we can't be seen outside the castle wall, like he usually does, but he still walks me around to the main entrance like a gentleman.

He's seemed anxious about something ever since we left Zack and Aeris's house today, though he hasn't actually said anything about it, and I can't imagine why that could be. During the ride back, I tried to ask him what he and Zack talked about while they trained, thinking maybe that had something to do with his odd behavior. He quickly changed the subject though, avoiding my question entirely. His shoulders felt tense while I sat behind him, and he seemed impatient on the ride home.

Sighing, I make my way slowly up the stairs to my room after I've told him goodbye, deciding that I'm too tired to try and figure it out tonight. I reach the end of the corridor a minute later, pleased to find that there's no one waiting up for me tonight. Vincent does occasionally, but I think he's finally given up on me coming home on time. He knows I'm safe with Cloud though, so it hardly matters when I come home.

When I finally make it into my room, I step over to my vanity mirror, pulling out my earrings and setting them on the table beside it. I've been wearing the pearl earrings Cloud gave me for my birthday almost every day since then; not just because I know it makes him happy, but because I like them too.

Pulling off my dress, I slip my nightgown on after I find it in my closet, and I step over to my bed with tired legs. I tug back the covers and slide under them, sighing deeply as I make myself comfortable. Lately, since Cloud and I have been together, most of my dreams have been pleasant; usually about him. Tonight, though, after my episode of jealousy over the life Aeris has, I'm sure that they have a good chance of being haunting.

Just as I'm starting to drift off to sleep, the sudden sound of a light tapping against my window sends a jolt of adrenaline through my body. I instantly sit up in bed, panicked, a scream starting to crawl up from the depths of my throat. I look towards my window, my heart pounding behind my ribs when I see a silhouette of a person outside. It sways back and forth, out of balance where it's perched on the ridge outside of my window.

Relief washes over me, though, when I identify the spiky hair on the figure. I exhale slowly, trying to calm my racing pulse, before I slide off the edge of the mattress and go over and let him in. I unhitch the latch on the windowsill, the panes swinging inward with a high-pitched creak, revealing startled blue eyes staring back at me. He must have somehow scaled up the wall of the castle using the cracks between the stones, and he doesn't exactly look comfortable standing there wobbling on the ledge.

"What on Gaia are you doing here?" I hiss, stepping aside so he can climb into my room.

"I had to see you," he says simply, though the intensity of the words piques my curiosity.

I walk over to seat myself on the edge of my bed, and Cloud follows after me, sitting close by my side. Again, he seems fidgety and nervous; a way that I don't think I've ever seen him act before. I wait for several minutes for him to give me an explanation, but he never does, he just stares down at his lap. Reaching out slowly, I touch the back of his hand gently, asking him silently to look up at me. He does, and he gives me a small smile, though it doesn't quite light up his eyes the way that it normally does because of the anxiety tainting them.

"What's wrong?" I ask him in a hushed voice, my forehead wrinkling in concern.

He just stares at me for a moment, some incomprehensible emotion hidden behind his eyes. He still says nothing, but he lifts one hand to my face, stroking my cheek softly. I let my eyes slide closed, relishing his gentle touch, before I suddenly feel his warm, smooth lips press against mine. Leaving my eyes closed, my hands come up automatically to wrap around the back of his neck, my fingers weaving through his hair in the way I've learned that he enjoys.

It starts out tenderly, but the kiss soon transforms into something the likes of which we've never shared. It's a wild, passionate thing that takes my breath away. He pushes against my mouth eagerly, his movements more forceful than they ever have been, though it still feels wonderful. His tongue trails along my bottom lip, sending a shiver through my entire body and coaxing my lips open slowly. The moment our tongues meet a shaky whimper escapes my throat, and I'm very suddenly, but completely, overwhelmed by the intoxicating taste of him.

He moves his tongue against mine, alternating between incredible, quick little flicks and slower, more drawn out movements; my heart skipping erratically the whole time. Neither of us have any experience with this, but he seems to be learning pretty fast, and discovering what I like easily too. My back arches to him automatically, the need to be closer to his body inherent even though my mind can't fully process it at the moment.

We pull back from each other only when the need for a full breath of air becomes too great, leaving us both gasping quietly. My room is darkened, the only source of light being the glow of the full moon in the sky, shining in through my window. It casts just enough luminosity across my bed for me to see his face; flushed and with a dazed smile on his lips, just how I'm sure that mine looks right now.

"You came all the way here just for this?" I ask with a hushed giggle, referring to his insistent kissing.

He smiles at me, some sort of anticipation lingering behind his eyes now. "No," he answers slowly, his eyes darting away from me.

I'm thoroughly confused for a moment, but then he leans over and reaches into his back pocket. He retrieves a small wooden box, not unlike the one he gave me my earrings in, and holds it out to me. _This_ must have been what he was so anxious about before; the thing that he and Zack had been talking about. I gasp, just like I did the last time he presented me with a gift, and my hand moves over my fluttering heart as I watch him lift the top of the box for me.

"I came here for _this_." he finishes, pulling the lid away.

I'm dying to know what look is on his face right now, but I am unable to tear my eyes away from what is laying in the box. Inside, is the most beautiful ring that I have ever seen. It's simple; just a thin, silver band with one small diamond set in the middle of it, but the intricate engravings around the band are what really make it stunning. I gape at it for a long time before I look back up at Cloud, a hesitant but hopeful look on his face.

I know what this means, but I'm not quite able to form any words. They keep getting stuck in my throat, and my lips are trembling so badly that I'm sure they'd come out slurred anyway. Though my heart feels as if it's already about ready to leap out of my chest, it seems to beat even faster has he takes the ring out of the box, holding it between his fingertips. He takes my left hand, slipping the ring onto my finger smoothly, where it rests snugly against my skin; a perfect fit.

He stares into my eyes for a long moment, and his words finally come out in a whisper.

"Will you marry me, Tifa?" he asks quietly.

My emotions take such a dramatic turn that it nearly knocks the breath from my lungs. First the overpowering feeling of intense happiness, because the only man I have ever loved, my best friend, is asking me to marry him; to be with him for the rest of our lives. This feeling lasts only for a fleeting second though, and then reality comes crashing down on me. The awareness creates a deep, dull pain within my chest, because I realize that I _can't_ marry him, and there _is_ no way for us to be together forever. Something or someone is going to inevitably rip us apart, because our relationship is not meant to exist.

I close my eyes, desperately fighting against the flood of tears that I can feel coming. They betray my wishes though, and begin running down my cheeks silently. He must be able to tell that my reaction isn't caused by my previous joy, because he wipes my tears away with his thumb hastily, rubbing my arm in a comforting way. A stifled sob creeps up from my throat, and I'm unable to say anything to him for several minutes.

"We can't," I choke out finally, shaking my head solemnly.

The words seem to somehow make the ugly reality even harsher, and my heart squeezes painfully when I hear myself say them out loud. Cloud takes my face between his palms, tilting it up and trying to make me look back at him. I glance away from him though, refusing to return his gaze no matter how long he stares at me. I'm afraid to meet his eyes, because I don't want to have to see the pain there.

"Look at me," he pleads.

The sound of his voice makes me look towards him despite my fears, and I'm surprised to see that there isn't any pain there in his eyes like I had guessed there would be. I can see the love he has for me there, but the most dominant emotion seems to be hope. My tears stop simply by seeing him look at me this way, and I wait patiently for whatever he's about to say.

"A marriage is a commitment between two people's hearts, right?" he asks softly. "A promise to be together for the rest of their lives?"

I give him a little nod in agreement, though I'm not quite sure where he's headed with this.

"I love you," he says unexpectedly, and it's full of passion despite the volume of his voice.

"I love you too, Cloud," I whisper back, though my voice is thick.

A little smile graces his lips, and he touches my cheek again gently, continuing with his point.

"I've thought about it for a long time," he explains slowly, locking my eyes in an intense stare. "And I've decided that I want you to be my wife. I don't care what the law says, we _can_ have that together. Royalty makes no difference, we can be married in the way that matters the most, contract or not."

He says it with such conviction, such sureness, that there isn't a doubt in my mind for even one second that he is right about this. We _can_ be together. It doesn't matter if I'm a princess or if we don't have a legal document to say that we're married; that fact does nothing to change the commitment we have to each other. Our souls are connected in some unfathomable way; I don't need a piece of paper or a ceremony to tell me that.

"Marry me?" he asks again.

I don't hesitate this time, because all of my uncertainties have been erased. "Yes," I tell him, struggling not to shout it with all the joy that's suddenly burst to life inside of me.

More tears spill from my eyes, but they're from happiness this time, and a wide smile accompanies them as I grab his face on either side and bring him to down to me. He leans closer to me, rejoining his lips with mine gladly and moving them against my mouth softly. His kisses are gentle, and he trails them across my jaw line and down my neck; both of us suddenly caught in a state of mind-numbing bliss, found only with each other.

There are no more words; they aren't needed. We love each other, and this night is ours to spend together.

**To be continued…**

**(A/N) **I hope I didn't cross the lines of cheesy fluff here; I tried not to. O.o In case you're wondering, no, there's not going to be a lemon in the next chapter. Anybody that has ever read one of my other stories can tell you that if you're looking for that, you won't be finding it from me. ;P I'm _much_ too young to be writing things like that. O__O However, there _is _a bit of sexual content in the next chapter, naturally, because of the situation. Nothing overly descriptive or vulgar though, I assure you. :3

Obviously, this situation is a bit different than anything that could happen in real life circumstances, so don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to advocate sex without being married first. O.o If you're not a princess that's running away with the stable boy, then you have no excuse for not getting married the real way. XD

Thank you so, so much for all of the reviews everyone! You people are amazing, especially those of you that have been reviewing every chapter. :D Don't forget to go check out my other Cloud/Tifa stories that are in progress too, both _Finding the Missing Piece, _and _Holding On, _because they could both use some more love. :3

-punkiemonkie


	8. Chapter VIII

**(A/N) **Like I warned in the author's note of the last chapter, there _is _some sexual content here in the beginning of this chapter, but nothing that goes beyond the T rating, so no worries. :3

**To Have Loved and Lost  
**Chapter VIII

I wake up slowly, but I don't allow my eyelids to slide open just yet. Instead, I take in the other feelings that are so vividly surrounding me. The scent hits me first, _his _scent; that wonderful, unique smell that lets me know that he's near. The sounds are next to come into focus; both the slow, steady rhythm of his beating heart and his even breathing. The feeling of his fingertips brushing up and down my back, gently tracing along my spine, sends a tremble through my stomach. I shudder in response, causing me to wake up fully and my eyes flutter open.

I realize that I'm lying across him, with my cheek resting against his bare chest, and our naked bodies tangled together beneath the sheets. It doesn't feel awkward in the least, like I was afraid that it might be. Instead it's easy, perfect; _right_. I've never been so completely happy in my entire life. The feeling is overwhelming, and it makes my bones all feel too soft, reaching all the way down into the core of my being.

Memories of the night before suddenly flood through my mind, as vividly as when they really happened. The fervent kisses and lingering touches that left my skin tingling. His soft grunts of pleasure and my hushed gasps as our bodies moved together in the most incredible, instinctual way. Our ragged breathing and the soft whispers of affection when our lips weren't otherwise occupied. My body shudders against his again with the thoughts.

"Good morning," Cloud whispers huskily against my hair, kissing the top of my head where it's tucked under his chin.

"Morning," I reply, stifling a yawn, my voice slightly hoarse from sleeping.

We lay there together for a long time in peaceful silence; the light of the early morning pouring in through the window, and the sound of birds chirping outside reaching my ears. I hug him around his waist, snuggling into his chest, the smile on my face probably the biggest it's ever been in my whole life. After a while, I shift around a little so that I can hold my left hand out, admiring the beautiful ring now on my finger, with its diamond glittering in the sunlight.

Something suddenly occurs to me and I pull away from him, sitting up on my elbows so that I can look down at his face. The serene smile on his lips distracts me for a moment though, and I watch his eyes closing halfway lazily as he stares up at me. Unable to resist, I lean down to brush my lips against his softly, and he grins against my mouth. I remember my question though, and give him a meaningful look when I pull back a moment later.

"How can you afford this?" I ask worriedly, motioning towards my ring.

Cloud ignores my question for a short moment, reaching up to brush my bangs away from my eyes. When he finally does answer, it's accompanied by a small, embarrassed chuckle.

"I've been saving my extra gil for quite a while," he admits sheepishly, though it doesn't affect his smile at all.

My eyebrows pull together, confused. "But we've only been together for a little over a half a year, there's no way…" I trail off, watching as his face breaks into an even brighter smile.

"I've known that I wanted to be with you for a long time," he says softly, and my smile instantly returns.

Laying myself back down against his chest, I feel like I could stay here with him forever. The sound of his deep breathing and his constant heartbeat is like a lullaby, making my eyes drift closed. It's cold in my room, I'm sure, but his body keeps me nice and warm beneath the covers. Our perfect moment is cut short though, when we both jump in alarm because of a loud noise coming from somewhere outside.

Pushing myself away from him regretfully, I pull the sheet up to cover my body; not out of embarrassment, but to shield myself from the chilly air. Cloud sits up beside me, searching for his pants on the floor. I yank the sheet away from the bed, wrapping it around myself haphazardly and going to the window. I must have forgotten to close the window last night after he came in through it, because it's still wide open, and the sounds from down in the courtyard are coming in much too loudly.

I lean out over the windowsill, peering down at the scene below and quickly identifying the cause of the noise. It's a large procession with dozens of chocobo mounted riders and carts coming to the main entrance of the castle; the kind usually used to announce the arrival of royalty. They're displaying flags signifying the royal family of Midgar, which is peculiar, because people from there rarely ever visit our little kingdom. It all makes sense though, when I'm robbed of breath as I recognize the man on the pale-colored horse standing in front of the group with two armored men on his flanks.

"What is it?" Cloud asks, leaning around me to look out the window as well.

Blanching, I turn away from the sight outside. "It's Rufus," I am barely able to whisper.

He glances back at me, taking in my expression. "That prince? What does he want?" he asks, sounding a bit more upset than confused.

"I don't know," I say quietly, trying to put the pieces together, but failing at the moment.

Cloud stares at me for a minute, watching the look of terror that is surely plastered on my face. I meet his eyes, and I am momentarily comforted by them, but there is still a twinge of nausea creeping into the pit of my stomach.

"I should go," he says, glancing away and looking around for his shirt.

My eyes go wide with panic; I'm not sure what's going on outside today, but for some reason it terrifies me to imagine being away from Cloud right now. He pulls on his shirt after locating it, and looks back at me while he's putting on his boots. His eyes register my reaction to his decision, so he quickly adds on to his statement.

"Just for a little while," he assures me. "I have to go at least feed the chocobos this morning, and you need to get downstairs to figure out what's going on," he explains.

I bite my lip, knowing he's right, but hating it nonetheless. My feet feel like they're frozen in place on the floor by the window, so I make no motion to try and move. He walks over to me when he's fully dressed, pulling me into his chest easily and wrapping his arms around me, stroking my hair.

"It's only for a couple of hours," he says, trying to console me. "I'm sure whatever is going on will be fine."

Deciding that I'm probably overreacting, I give him a nod in agreement. He kisses me softly, promising that he'll be back to see me as soon as he can. Then he slips out my window, scaling down the wall the way he came up and dropping to the ground. He didn't bring a mount, so I'm not worried about him getting spotted on the way out of the courtyard. I exhale slowly, trying to calm down, and finally convince myself that Cloud is right, and I need to go downstairs to see what's going on.

xXxXx

Dressing quickly and combing through my hair in a hasty fashion, I pull on some slippers and head out of my room. There's a commotion of some kind going on downstairs, that much is for sure, because the closer I get to the foyer the louder the voices become. With each step I take closer to the room below, my anxiousness increases; I just can't seem to shake off the feeling that something horrible is happening.

I peer around the corner when I get to the ground level, trying to figure out what's going on without being seen. This backfires, though, when my father notices me and waves me over to him. Stepping towards him, I take in the rest of the scene around me. There are quite a few men that look like knights standing around, all of them bearing the Midgar royal family crest on their armor. These men, however, are not who catch my attention.

The three men standing over by my father are the ones I pay attention to, because I immediately recognize Rufus, watching me with his eerie, pale blue eyes. Just like when he was on the chocobo, he is still accompanied by two men that appear to be his personal guards. One is a thin, redheaded man with bright green eyes, who is watching me along with his king, though not quite in the same chilling way. The other is a taller, thicker dark-skinned man that avoids looking at me completely, for which I'm grateful.

"I'm glad you're up dear," my father greets me causally, but I am unable to pull my eyes away from Rufus's disturbing stare to look at him.

"What's going on?" I ask, my voice hardly a whisper in an attempt to hide my fear.

I finally look at my father when he hesitates to answer my question, watching the worry and reluctance filter across his face.

"Prince Rufus has come to ask for your hand in marriage," he says finally.

My heart stops and my breathing hitches; my eyes flying wide in horror. My father says something else, but I can't hear it, because my ears are suddenly ringing. Rufus looks over at me with a grin on his face that despite being pleasant, has a meaning behind it that makes my stomach feel sick and my knees feel weak; he wants me to be his bride. The words Vincent spoke to me about him all those months ago suddenly come rushing back, in crystal clear detail within my mind:

"He is a man that gets what he wants."

**To be continued…**

**(A/N) **I promised it wouldn't be all sugar and there would be some drama, didn't I? Well, now really it begins. I think a few of you probably saw this part coming, but I seriously don't think you'll figure out the rest of the ending, so I'm not worried. ;P

I didn't call them by name, so in case you missed it, that would be Reno and Rude as Rufus's personal bodyguards. XD I should probably say this now so there's not any confusion later: I don't dislike Rufus's character in the games or movie, but I'm using him as the antagonist here, so if he's a bit out of character because of the AU aspect of the story, I apologize. O.o

Thanks for all the reviews people! I'm loving them! :D Keep them up, and I promise I'll have the next chapter posted soon. ;) Oh, and don't forget to go check out my other story that is in progress right now, _Holding On, _because compared to the response I'm getting on this one, it's getting a bit neglected. D:

-punkiemonkie


	9. Chapter IX

**(A/N) **You may have noticed that I updated a bit sooner this time. Why is that, you ask? Because I got so many fabulous reviews on the last chapter, that's why! You guys rock, seriously! :D If I keep getting a crazy number of reviews like this and rewarding everyone for it, then the story will be over in no time. O__O You guys might not mind that though. ;)

**To Have Loved and Lost  
**Chapter IX

An overwhelming mix of emotions ranging from incredible sadness, to unadulterated hate for the prince washes through me in an instant, and I don't stay much longer to listen to my father's explanation of the marriage proposal. I can't stand to be here, so I turn suddenly on my heel, running out of the room as fast as I possibly can. I stumble up the stairs, scraping my elbow against the stone wall, my vision blurry with hot, angry tears that are spilling over the rims of my eyes.

When I'm safe inside my room I slam the door behind me, and the sound reverberates off of the walls as I make sure to lock it securely. I go to my bed, falling onto the mattress and burying my face in the pillows, letting the sobs shake my body. It's really happening; the thing that I feared would tear me apart from the man I love. I knew it would come eventually, because the two of us were never really meant to be together in the eyes of this world, but I never imagined how badly it would hurt. Our time to be together has come to an end, and we never even had enough.

My thoughts spiral downwards, every little bit of hope I try to cling to slipping through my fingers; dying even before it had a chance to live. I know too well that the fact that Rufus _asked _my father permission for my hand in marriage has no effect on what the outcome will be. We will be married no matter what I think about it, or how vehemently I object; that's the way it works for royalty. We marry for convenience and political reasons, never love.

I'm not sure how long I lay there in my bed, sobbing from the hopelessness of this whole thing. The tears never do stop rolling down my cheeks and soaking into my pillow, though, before finally I exhaust myself enough to fall asleep.

xXxXx

The next time my eyes open, it's already become dark outside my window. The sun is probably just disappearing on the other side of the castle, and it's casting the shadow of early evening into my room. I sit up slowly, caught in a daze, the details of what happened this morning seeming fuzzy within my mind. One thing is still clear though; I'm going to be married to the prince, probably in a short amount of time, and I'll lose Cloud in the process.

Sighing and trying to shove the awful thoughts out of my mind, at least for the moment, I push myself out of bed. I realize that I'm still fully dressed from this morning, so I head downstairs, intent on trying to catch my father alone so I can talk to him about this. Not that I think there's anything I can do to prevent it, because I'm sure it's already set in stone by now, but I'd like to at least know the day that my life, or at least everything that is good in it, is set to come to an end.

I go down to the main hall first, and when I find it empty I head towards my father's room. The muffled sound of voices behind the doors reaches down the hall as I approach, and I step forward slowly, trying to identify them. I am able to distinguish my father's voice, but I have to get closer to make out the words. When I'm close enough though, another voice speaks up instead. My heart jumps when I realize that it belongs to Cloud, and although his voice is muted behind the door, I can tell that he's furious.

"You're really going to allow this to happen?" he demands, the sound of pain creeping into his tone not completely masked by the anger.

By his words, I know that he must have heard about the marriage arrangement by now. I didn't want him to find out before I could tell him myself, but I suppose it would hurt just the same no matter who he heard the news from.

I hear my father sigh deeply, and I can imagine him rubbing his temples in frustration.

"It has to happen," he says flatly. "Wutai is threatening another advance on our kingdom; we need this alliance with a larger country like Midgar to have any hope of stopping them."

"She's your daughter," Cloud points out quietly.

My father exhales again. "I know, and I love her dearly. I wish there was some other way around this, but there isn't. It's not in my power to refuse his offer anyway," he says, sounding defeated.

I can hear Cloud shifting on his feet during the brief moment of silence, obviously anxious. My father sits down with a huff, presumably in one of the wooden chairs in his quarters. I creep closer, trying to hear more, and the light filtering out from where the door is cracked open is almost touching my toes now.

"What does _Rufus ShinRa_ want with Tifa in the first place?" Cloud asks, sneering at his name.

"Prince Rufus lost his first wife, Scarlet, to disease last year," my father explains slowly. "His father just passed away as well, and now that Rufus is set to take the throne, I'd assume that he's looking for a young woman to make his queen."

I gasp quietly at the news, moving my hand up to cover my mouth in hopes of stifling the sound. I hadn't known Rufus was married before, and the knowledge makes this whole ordeal seem much worse somehow. Cloud takes the information about the same way I do, with surprise and anger, his voice is full of fury when he speaks next.

"He's been married _before_?" he shouts, not bothering to hide his contempt.

"Yes," my father mumbles, sounding about as hopeless as I feel.

He would save me from this terrible fate if he could, I know. But when a man from a country that is much larger and more powerful than yours asks to marry your daughter, refusing could mean war, and devastation for your lands. Marriage is seen as a duty to your country, and I've always wanted to help my people, but this is just too much to ask.

The sound of Cloud sitting down in another one of the wooden chairs breaks the loaded silence, and in my mind I picture him sitting leaned over with his head in his hands, because his voice suddenly sounds muffled.

"I love her," he admits, his voice a broken whisper.

A pleasant feeling of warmth spreads throughout my chest when I hear him say it, but I am unable to bring myself to smile because of all the pain there in his voice.

My father sighs again, though it's much heavier this time. "I know you do, I've seen it in your eyes for a long time," he says, a hint of joy buried there somewhere in his tone.

Cloud doesn't reply, so my father continues.

"I love you like a son, and you make my daughter happy; if there was anyway for the two of you to be together you know I would want that," he says genuinely.

I knew my father had always cared for Cloud, but his words still take me by surprise. This doesn't console me much though, and the tears start spilling from my eyes freely, because I'm suddenly feeling overwhelmed by everything. I don't wait to hear Cloud's reaction, and instead I turn quicky to retreat back down the hall. I can't bear to listen anymore; this whole situation is too hopeless. I thankfully am able to make it back to my room without being seen or heard by anyone, and I fall back on to my bed like before, my heart aching in so many new ways now.

xXxXx

I lie still for what feels like a long time, trying to force my mind to shut off, but sleep continues to elude me. A knock against my door sends my pulse racing though, and I sit up quickly. I stare towards the door handle with wide eyes; silently praying that I remembered to lock it behind me when I returned here. Surely Rufus is staying here in the castle now, because it would be ridiculous for him to travel all the way back to Midgar, and while I think it's unlikely, I'm suddenly terrified that it is him standing outside of my room now.

Forcing myself to get out of bed and go over to the door, I take a deep breath before pulling it open. Just like before when he's startled me, an enormous sense of relief washes over me when I realize that it's Cloud standing there. Something about seeing him, excluding the times that I get frightened, always gives me a feeling of ease. It's like I've been holding my breath for a long time without realizing it, and seeing him is a big gulp of fresh air.

Cloud takes in my appearance, and I although I'm smiling at him, I can tell that he's concerned with the signs that I've been crying. He steps towards me slowly; just enough so he can close the door behind himself, and I fall into his arms, not able to hold back the tears while he's here no matter how hard I try. His arms wrap around me as he holds me against him, kissing the top of my head. He abruptly pulls me back after a moment though, holding me by my shoulders and looking into my eyes meaningfully.

"I have a plan," he says simply, sounding much less bleak than he did only minutes ago while talking with my father.

I sniff back my tears, trying to figure out what he means. "What are you talking about?" I ask him.

He doesn't answer right away, but instead he leads me over to my bed where he sits down and pulls on my hand to urge me to sit beside him. I follow his lead, watching him closely for some sign to help explain the strange emotion burning behind his eyes.

"I know how to get us out of this," he clarifies, his voice hushed. "So we can be together."

I stare at him wordlessly, bewildered by the very idea, but he continues anyway.

"You have to marry Rufus," he begins, and when I start to protest he puts a finger to my lips. "Let me finish," he asks politely.

My head bobs with a little nod of consent, though I already don't like the sound of this scheme of his. I can't imagine why he would want to include my marriage to another man in his idea, but he looks so sure of himself that I decide not to question it for now.

"We don't have enough time to do this any other way, so you have to marry him," he explains, his words flowing out in a rush.

I briefly wonder exactly how _much_ time we have before my horrendous wedding is set to take place, because Cloud seems to be already informed of it, but I resign myself not to interrupt him again.

Cloud glances away now, looking uncomfortable. "You just, you have to keep him from…from touching you, okay? I couldn't stand it if…"

He trails off, a look mixed between anger and nausea making his face pale, even in what little light is flickering in my room from the candle on my desk. I give him a weak smile, letting him know that I understand, and he resumes with his explanation.

"I'll tell your father that I'm going to leave Nibelheim after the wedding. I'll go find someplace safe for us to stay, and then a few days after you're married I'll come back to take you with me," his lips are trembling slightly when he finishes, and I know then that I'm not the only one who's scared about this.

"How do I get away from Rufus?" I ask, not questioning the rest of the plan; it sounds solid enough to me, and it's the only thing we have right now. "I can't just disappear; they'll come looking for me," I add, though I'm sure he already knows this.

Apparently, Cloud has thought through this part as well, because he doesn't hesitate with his answer.

"You write your father a note, telling him that you've run away from Rufus," he says, sounding almost excited that he's figured this all out. "Your father will probably know that you're with me, but to everyone else who thinks I'm long gone, it won't look like we've planned this together."

There is a definite sound of hope in his voice now, and I'm starting to feel it too. It's a tiny feeling, way down in the pit of my stomach, but with every one of his words it's slowly growing inside of me.

I look up at him, nodding slowly. "I think it might work," I whisper, though my whole body is shaking with fear at this point.

Cloud doesn't explain any more about the plan, but instead he takes me into his arms; holding me for a long time and stroking my back comfortingly while I let out the last of my frustrated tears. He pulls me under the covers of my bed with him eventually, because both of us are exhausted from all of the stress. I fall asleep with my cheek against his chest and his arms around me, letting the sound of his heart beating softly drown out my thoughts of the coming horrors.

It may only be a small thread of hope, but I'm holding on to it with all I've got.

**To be continued…**

**(A/N) **You guys remember Scarlet from the original _Final Fantasy VII _game, right? The blonde woman in the red dress? I thought she made an okay candidate for Rufus's first wife. Plus, I never liked her, so she gets to be dead in this story. XD I'm awful, I know. ;P

This chapter is a little on the angst-ish side, huh? I wasn't really going for that with this story, but I suppose it can't be helped, considering the situation. Tragedy is sort of like angst though, I think… Bah, I'm rambling. DX Anyway, I feel like I may have Tifa a bit out of character because she's so prone to tears, but I think because of the AU aspect of this story, it makes sense that she should be a bit more innocent and less brave. Perhaps? O.o

-punkiemonkie


	10. Chapter X

**(A/N) **I'm so sorry about the late update! I've been consumed with replaying _Final Fantasy XII, _and it totally slipped my mind… Please don't kill me! O__O

Anyway, there's just a little bit of sexual content here again. Like always though, it's nothing terribly raunchy. ;)

**To Have Loved and Lost  
**Chapter X

Though we know it can't last long, Cloud and I decide to savor the time we have left together, before the events we're dreading begin. We make sure that no one sees us together in any way that could point to our relationship going beyond mere friendship, but we haven't been separated from each other for more than a few hours for the past few weeks. I hide my wedding ring out of sight too, though it always hangs on a chain around my neck, where it lies close to my heart. Cloud comes to my room every night, and during that time all thoughts of the impending terror leave my mind, because I'm most always occupied with the task of trying to hush the sounds of our love making.

Our plan for escape is solidified now, and all that's left to do is a bit of waiting, and even more worrying. Prince Rufus has been living in the castle, like I expected, though luckily the only open room was far down the hall from mine. Every time I _do _see him though, he watches me with an almost possessive look in his eyes that always manages to send chills down my spine. My father shows him the utmost hospitality, and even though I know it's put on, it still makes me sick to watch.

Right now, however, is one of those times that all of those awful thoughts are driven from my mind. They're chased away, and I can only focus on the feeling of Cloud's lips on my skin. He's hovering over me, kissing hungrily down my jaw and then my neck before settling on a little spot on my collar bone, making me shiver with delight. It's cold outside today, but we're warm here; lying in the loft of the chocobo stables together. My wedding is looming ominously on the horizon, just a little over a week away now, but I'm trying my best to forget about that.

It's not hard to find something else to think about though, because Cloud is doing a pretty good job at distracting me. Sighing heavily with pleasure, I tilt my head back, closing my eyes so I am able to concentrate fully on what he's doing to me. He shifts down a little, kissing gently on a spot above my left breast. I tangle my fingers in his hair automatically, trying to keep him where he is while I bite down on my lower lip in an attempt to keep myself quiet.

Somehow, one of his hands finds its way up under my dress, and he trails his fingers slowly along the inside of my bare thigh. I shudder involuntarily, a moan escaping my lips during my lapse of control, and I can feel him smile against my skin. I let go of his hair with one hand to thump him halfheartedly on the shoulder with my fist, scolding him for his actions, but it only makes him chuckle. We're not going to end up going all the way out here; it's much too risky for getting caught. He knows that, so I'm a bit irritated, albeit in a very pleasant way, that he's insistent on teasing me.

The sudden sound of the barn door banging open ends his little game though, and makes us both jump, snapping us out of our blissful daze. Both of us sit up, scrambling out of the pile of hay we had been lying in as we hear the sound of footsteps approaching. They echo off of the wooden floorboards, steadily getting closer. My heart is pounding while I'm trying to dust myself off and remove the bits of straw from my hair, though I don't know who it could be.

Cloud looks over at me with a question in his eyes, and I motion with my hands for him to go ahead and meet whoever it is while I finish tidying myself up. He gives me a nod and turns to vault down from the upper level, bypassing the ladder but landing on the floor fluidly. I hastily try to smooth the wrinkles out of my dress, listening to his footfalls as he rounds the corner and enters the main part of the barn, where I'm sure our visitor is now standing.

"Lord ShinRa," I hear Cloud say in surprise, and my heart skips a beat in response. "What are you doing all the way out here?" he asks, careful to polish off his tone with false courtesy.

He and Rufus have only met a few times since the marriage announcement, at least as far as I know. He's always sure to show respect to the prince, but I'd be surprised if he honestly couldn't see Cloud's hatred for him burning behind his eyes. Rufus seems to ignore it; sometimes even appearing to be amused by what he must believe is jealousy.

"I'm looking for my bride," Rufus answers, his voice smooth but somehow still derogatory. "Have you seen my Tifa?"

I swallow back a gag from the way he calls me his, though he actually sounds proud when he says it; almost in a legitimately affectionate way. Finding my composure, I force myself to climb down the ladder and meet them in the other section of the barn. Cloud glances over at me warily, probably concerned about what our story is going to be for my presence here with him, but I already know what I'm going to say when he asks.

"I'm here," I say to the prince, working to make my voice sound cheerful and putting a fake smile on my face.

A frown pulls Rufus's eyebrows together. "Tifa, darling, what in Gaia's name are you doing out here?" he asks.

He looks like he's actually concerned for me, though I'm sure it's just his over possessive nature rearing its ugly head once again. He already thinks of me has _his_; of course he doesn't want me to be away from him.

"I was helping Cloud take care of the chocobos today," I say, my smile genuine now as I look away from the prince and over at Cloud.

We share a quick smirk and a moment of secret humor, but hopefully Rufus didn't catch the meaning behind it.

"This is no place for a princess to be spending her time," he says, shaking his head. "Come, we have much to do to prepare for our wedding."

He takes me by the arm before I have a chance to object, pulling me alongside him roughly as he walks back towards the entrance to the stables. He's obviously determined on taking me back with him, so I decide that it's probably better not to protest. Glancing back over my shoulder, I see Cloud give me a fragile smile, his eyes appraising Rufus's hand on my arm with contempt. He doesn't like this anymore than I do, probably even less.

We have hope now, though; hope of someday being able to be together in peace. Even if it's a long shot, it's still something to hang on to when the rest of the world feels like it's crumbling beneath our feet.

xXxXx

"Ouch!" I exclaim suddenly, flinching away from the prick on the sensitive skin of my side.

"Sorry," Yuffie mumbles around the metallic pins held between her lips, sliding another one through the fabric of my dress to hold it in place.

I gaze at my reflection in the long mirror in front of me, my stomach lurching yet again today at the sight of the woman staring back. The day of my wedding has finally come, and Yuffie is finalizing my dress and helping to get me otherwise ready today. My dress is an extravagant affair; made of white satin and covered in tiny beads and way too much lace. The train trials out behind me at least ten feet, and my veil nearly reaches the floor. Obviously, it was Rufus's choice of a design, not mine.

I actually had very little to do with the rest of the planning for my wedding too; the prince led the servants around the castle to take care of that. All I have to do is get dressed and show up to sign my life away; it's a very simple thing on my end of the deal. The ceremony is going to be held in the biggest church in town today, so I'm sure by now Zack and Aeris have heard the news. Cloud is going to let them in on our plan after the wedding, so hopefully they'll be able to meet up with us wherever we end up after running away.

Cloud told my father yesterday that he would be leaving, and I didn't have to try very hard to act distraught over the news, considering my mood over the current situation. He decided that he's going to be in the audience at the wedding though, despite my pleas for him to stay away. I don't want Cloud to have to watch, but he keeps insisting on being there for some unknown reason. Only royalty is going to be allowed in the ballroom for the reception afterwards though, so at least he won't have to go though that.

I am to be married at noon, and with every tick of the clock my anxiousness increases. Yuffie has been constantly scolding me for fidgeting and messing up her hard work on my dress, but I am unable to stay still for very long. She finally finishes though, and after standing back to admire her work for a minute, she pulls me over to my vanity desk, determined to make my hair perfect for today's event. I sigh, letting my cheek drop into my hand, and refusing to look at myself in the mirror any longer.

Yuffie notices my grimace while she's combing through my hair, pulling small locks of it up to weave into intricate braids that will be pulled into designs around my head.

"You're beautiful, Tifa," she tries to reassure me, misreading the reason for my expression.

I sigh again. "Thank you," I say with a weak voice. "That's not the problem though."

She understands immediately, and a sad look appears in her eyes. "I know," she says solemnly. "But I'm sure being married to Prince Rufus won't be _all _terrible."

"I want to marry for love, not just royalty," I say, trying to keep my frustration in check. "Besides that, I'm already married," I mutter quietly under my breath.

I hadn't meant for her to hear it, but she must have, because the brush she was using suddenly clatters to the floor, and she's staring at me in the mirror with wide, startled eyes.

"What did you say?" Yuffie shouts, her voice even higher pitched than usual.

Turning around to face her quickly, I put a finger to my lips to shush her.

Her expression relaxes, but she begins to look upset again. "You mean Cloud?" she asks, taking my hint and whispering the words.

I give her a miserable nod, not bothering to give her a more detailed explanation. I turn back around in the chair, my eyes glassy as I resign myself to sulking once again.

"I won't tell anyone," she promises quietly, and I smile at her in thanks.

Exhaling again, I try to focus on stopping my hands from shaking and calming the violent quivering in my stomach that tightens my throat. I practice fixing a phony smile onto my face, though my skin is so pale now that it hardly looks believable. I give up soon enough, and a scowl replaces the halfhearted smile. My only solace is knowing that I'll be able to be with Cloud soon, I just have to somehow make it through this first.

**To be continued…**

**(A/N) **I'm _so_ glad that I don't live in the time of arranged marriages. O__O I always really attach to characters in stories that go through that though. :3 In case anyone is confused, I had meant for Tifa saying yes to Cloud's marriage proposal (in chapter VII) to mean that they're already married in the only way they can be. Obviously they can't have a ceremony or an official contract to say that they're married, so there would really be no point in an engagement. O.o Anyway, that's what Tifa means when she says she's already married in this chapter, and that's how I see it, so I'm avoiding the premarital sex stuff that bothers me. ;)

Anyway, I apologize for the late update once again, but I thank each and every one of you for your kind reviews! :D Think we can we make it to 100 reviews this chapter? I guess we'll see. :3

-punkiemonkie


	11. Chapter XI

**(A/N) **I updated on time this week, yay! :3

**To Have Loved and Lost  
**Chapter XI

I pace back and forth in the foyer of the old church, at least as much as I can in this awful dress, chewing on my lip and taking a deep breath to try and calm myself. There are but a few minutes left until I'm supposed to be walking down the aisle, and I feel like I'm about to faint. Not in a pleasant, excited way that a bride should be on the day of her wedding, but rather in a dreading, queasy way because I have come to loathe the man that will be standing at the alter next to me.

Granted, Rufus doesn't _know_ that he's going to tear me away from the man I truly love, so he isn't aware of how much this is hurting me. This is just how things work; he's going to be a king, and he wants me to be his queen. There's no malevolent intent behind it, even if he does look at me with smug pleasure written on his face sometimes. My hatred of him is probably unfair, but that doesn't mean that the feeling is going to go away.

The church where the wedding is being held is huge, with a high vaulted ceiling and tall, stained glass windows. An enormous crystal chandelier hangs in the main room, shedding light on the decorations arranged for today. White and pink silk bows, hundreds of tall, thin candles and literally thousands of roses to match the color scheme are everywhere. The whole church is just about covered in the flowers, and their scent is clinging to everything. This all would be a result of Rufus's extravagant taste, no doubt.

Though I haven't seen Cloud since early this morning, I know he'll be sitting in one of the pews today with the rest of the audience during the ceremony. He left my room before the sun had risen with a solemn look on his face, saying that he had to finish preparing for leaving later today. I can't imagine why he's putting himself thorough watching this, but when I asked him about it he explained that if he wasn't here, it would only seem much worse in his mind when he wondered about it. I understand, but I still wish he didn't have to be there when I'm forced to kiss Rufus after we've said our vows.

My father will be in the audience too, probably in one of the front rows of pews, but there's no way that I'll be able to meet his eyes today. I know he doesn't want this fate for me, and although I'm certainly no martyr, I'd rather that he didn't have to see just how much this is affecting me. He and my mother were lucky; they actually loved each other before their marriage was arranged, but I guess that good fortune doesn't run in the family.

My heart leaps when the organ begins to play from inside the main hall, and Yuffie is suddenly at my side, ushering me over to the double doors that lead into the chapel. She straightens out the train on my dress and shoves a large bouquet of roses into my hands; hastily double checking my appearance. Flipping my veil down over my face, she gives me one last appraising look, seeming not to find anything else out of place.

"Ready?" she asks, fully aware of my anxiousness today.

"As ready as I'll ever be for something like this," I mumble, staring straight ahead at the doors in front of me and inhaling deeply one last time.

I mold my face into my perfect practiced smile, and silently pray that I don't pass out before I get down the lengthy aisle. Yuffie gives the okay, and two guards from the castle pull the large wooden doors back, revealing the interior of the church and the alter at the end between the rows of pews. The entire audience stands up as I take my first shaky step forward, and I realize that it's not only my family and other royalty who are in attendance today, but most of the townspeople must also be here.

Thousands of eyes are suddenly fixed on me, and although I've always been embarrassed by attention, there just isn't enough color left in my face to form a blush. I stride down the aisle slowly, trying to drown out my thoughts with the loud music from the organ and also attempting to search the crowd from the corners of my eyes. I'm about halfway to the alter when I finally catch sight of him, and I almost immediately wish I hadn't met his eyes, because it makes keeping my composure so much harder.

Cloud stares back at me from where I vaguely notice that he's standing next to Zack and Aeris, and the numb look on his face isn't able to entirely conceal the anguish lingering in his eyes. They look lighter today, not their usual clear, bright blue; almost dull somehow, like his mood has affected them. He tries to give me a weak smile, but it only makes it worse, and sends my heart throbbing painfully within my chest.

I glance away from him quickly, focusing on what is straight ahead of me, but still trying to avoid Rufus's stare. I have to keep repeating to myself that everything is going to be okay, because Cloud is going to save me from this torment in just a few short days, but I still feel sicker inside with each step that I take closer to the patiently waiting prince. I see his grin from the corner of my eye, and it's an almost pleasant sort of smile, though the very same thing that I'm sure he's happy about is completely revolting to me.

When I finally reach the alter, the audience is seated collectively, and the old minister begins to recite our vows in a loud, raspy voice. I repeat after him mechanically when it's my turn, hoping that my voice doesn't sound as dead as I feel inside. Rufus speaks more confidently, but I remember that he's done this before with his late wife, Scarlet. Soon, much too soon, the preacher announces that Prince Rufus is allowed to kiss his bride, and my heart nearly stops.

Rufus turns to me and lifts my veil back, giving me a small smile that looks entirely genuine, but it does nothing to calm my nerves. I try to shut off my senses, preparing myself to block out the feeling. His hand touches my cheek as he leans in, very gently touching his lips to mine. Thankfully, I am able to suppress most of the sensation, but I still have to work to keep my face composed when he pulls back from me.

The audience erupts into cheers of joy, and I do my best to fake my own, that mock smile plastered on my face once again. Rufus takes my hand and leads me back down the aisle, and grains of rice and flower petals rain down on us as we exit the cathedral. Outside, we make our way down the steps of the entrance, and he helps me into the chocobo-drawn carriage that is supposed to take us back to the castle for the reception.

xXxXx

We make it to the castle about a half hour later, and luckily I am able to avoid any serious conversation with the new _King_ Rufus during the ride; I refuse to think the word 'husband' in relation to him. I extremely grateful that Yuffie has another dress prepared for me back in my room; this one much less ostentatious and easier to move in, though it still doesn't fit my much more modest taste. Although, being able to move means that I'll have to dance with Rufus, which makes me almost wish I wasn't able to change my dress.

Sure enough, he pulls me onto the dance floor for awhile after the guests arrive. All of the guests here are royalty now, because the townspeople aren't allowed at this flamboyant event. I eventually feign hunger to slip away from him; as if I could eat at all today. He goes to sit with his two guards, who I now know to be named Reno and Rude. Before long they are laughing loudly, obviously drunk on the adequate supply of alcohol circulating around the room, although Rude remains noticeably more quiet than the other two.

Pleased to have a moment to myself, I sneak out of the ballroom and out to the balcony, closing the door behind me so I can retain my privacy. My father is probably looking for me now, but I don't think I'm ready to handle seeing him just yet. I let out a surprised yelp when I realize that I'm not alone out here, but, like it always does, the feeling turns to relief when I realize that it's Cloud standing off to the side, leaning against the railing.

The adrenaline fades from my system quickly; I'm already so spent today that it's hard to find enthusiasm for any emotion. Cloud watches me carefully, the look of hope barely noticeable on his face behind the terror and misery that dominate his expression.

"What are you doing here?" I whisper, even though I know no one at the party will be able to see us, let alone hear us, from behind the closed doors.

"I'm getting ready to leave," he says, almost as quietly as me.

He turns to look out over the expanse of field that can be seen from this vantage point, the chilly winter air blowing his hair around his face. I'm not quite sure what else to say, and he seems to have something else on his mind, so I wait silently until he decides to speak up again.

"Tifa," his says, so softly that it's nearly carried away by the wind. "Are you sure this is what you want?"

My eyes go wide in shock, trying to comprehend what he means. "What are you talking about?" I finally manage to choke out past my surprise.

He looks back at me, his eyes holding mine seriously. "You'll be taken care of here. Rufus could give you anything you'd ever want, I couldn't…" Cloud trails off, his eyebrows pulling together, a look of pure agony crossing his face for an instant.

I gasp when I understand what he means, shaking my head furiously. "No," I almost shout, crossing the short distance between us and throwing my arms around his waist. "Material possessions mean nothing to me, all I want is you," I tell him, my voice breaking towards the end.

I know what he's doing; he's trying to give me a way out, because he knows that staying with Rufus would mean that my needs would always be met for the rest of my life. It wouldn't be much of a life though, if it didn't include Cloud. I'm not that surprised by his selflessness, but it still brings tears to my eyes to know that he'd be willing to sacrifice his own happiness so that I could have whatever I wanted. I know he doesn't doubt our relationship or my commitment to him; he just wants me to be happy no matter what, just like I do for him.

He pulls me back from him, searching my eyes. "You're sure?" he asks, and I give him an earnest nod. "I don't want you to regret this."

"I could never regret being with you," I say honestly.

Then he gives me the brightest smile I've seen on him in weeks, and it lights up his eyes again, erasing that grey color that had dulled them before. A smile spreads across my face as well, and a warm feeling spreads throughout my chest as he pulls me into his arms again, kissing my hair.

"Promise me you'll come back quickly, and you'll save me from this nightmare," I beg of him, my voice muffled against his chest.

"I promise," he agrees.

**To be continued…**

**(A/N) **I know what you're thinking: What's going to happen?! Well, that's my little secret. ;)

Ohmahgosh, we made it to over 100 reviews! Thank you so much everyone! :D Cookies and Cloud plushies for all of you! :throws them around:

-punkiemonkie


	12. Chapter XII

**(A/N) **A bit of a caution: there's quite a bit of sexual content discussed in this chapter. Nothing _really_ bad of course, (I don't do explicit stuff, you should know this by now. :P) but I thought I'd give a warning just in case, because I don't want to have to rate the whole story M because of this one chapter. O.o

**To Have Loved and Lost  
**Chapter XII

Just as I feared, Rufus insists, albeit in a drunken slur, that I come with him to his room in the castle after the party dissipates. I know there's not much that I can do to object now that we're married, so I let him lead me down the darkened hall; trying the whole way to stop myself from shaking violently with dread. As drunk as he is, he probably doesn't even notice my distress, but I have to do my best not to let how terrified I am, so he won't get suspicious of me. The closer he watches me, the less chance I'll have to get away.

He takes me into his quarters, which are decorated extravagantly despite the fact that he'll only be staying here for a short time. Lying across his huge bed that is adorned with dozens of chocobo down pillows, I notice my nightgown, and I realize belatedly that he must have planned for this in advance. I suppose it would be only natural, since it _is_ our wedding night, even if I don't plan to be with him for long.

The only light in the room is coming from the few candles burning on the table near the bed, and while I'm trying to force my eyes to adjust, I hear him lock the door behind me. I swallow thickly, the shaking returning in my body full force, making my knees start to feel unstable. Suddenly he is standing in front of me, smiling seductively, and I can see the desire in his eyes despite the lack of light.

He leans towards me, so close that I can smell the alcohol on his breath, and I step back until I realize with horror that I've been backed against the door. He smiles at me, and past my fear, I can see that he actually looks happy. He's thrilled to be here tonight, no doubt, because he's finally won his bride. He wants me, and he's used to getting everything he wants, so I can only pray that he'll listen to me when I ask him to stop.

My voice refuses to work for a moment, and my words get caught in my throat. One of his hands touches my shoulder, gently tugging the sleeve of my dress down; making his intentions for tonight entirely clear. When I feel his lips touch the side of my neck though, I'm finally able to choke out my protest.

"P-prince ShinRa?" I whisper, trying not to jerk away from him and hoping that addressing him properly will please him.

He pulls back to look at me with an amused smirk on his face. "It's _King_ ShinRa now," he says triumphantly, actually chuckling under his breath once. "But you're my wife; of course you can call me by my first name."

I let out a small sigh of relief, glad to see that he's in a good mood. "Rufus," I correct myself, watching him grin in response. "I'm…I'm really tired tonight," I begin, desperately searching for the right words.

He looks at me curiously, cocking an eyebrow. "We've had a big day," he acknowledges with another smile.

"Yes," I agree, forcing myself to smile back at him. "So I think…I think I'd like to go to bed now," I finish shakily, hoping that he'll understand my meaning.

Rufus stares at me for a long time with a calculating look in his eyes, and my heart is pumping so quickly that I fear fainting for the second time today. Eventually he gives me a little nod, taking a step away from me.

"As you wish," he concedes, making his way towards the bed and leaving me standing against the door.

I stifle my huge gasp of relief, the adrenaline fading from my system and giving way to exhaustion almost immediately; all of this stress can't be good for me. After taking a few seconds to collect myself, I follow him over to his bed, knowing that asking to sleep in my own room would be too much. He begins unbuttoning his jacket, and I grab my nightgown; hastily slipping off into the other room to change before he can object to my leaving.

By the time I make it back into the bedroom, I am pleased to find that Rufus has already fallen asleep. Either that, or passed out from being drunk, I'm not sure which. Regardless, this means that I don't have to deal with him anymore for tonight, so I'm thankful. I climb under the sheets at the opposite end of the bed from him, curling up into a ball when my terror comes back into my mind. I was able to avoid him this evening, but I may not be so lucky tomorrow night, or the next.

Squeezing my eyes shut, I try to think of better things than the man now snoring in the bed next to me. I think about Cloud, and those peaceful days we spent together before all of this. I find myself wondering where he is now, and where the two of us will end up when he comes back for me. I hope Zack and Aeris can live near us, because it would be nice to know somebody in a strange new place. As long as I have Cloud though, I'm sure I'll be fine.

These thoughts don't completely chase away my anxiety, though they do help, but it still takes me several hours to fall asleep.

xXxXx

Rufus's fingers brush along the bare skin of my shoulder, evoking a shiver from my body. Not out of pleasure, but out of terror. He leans over me, his naked torso glistening with sweat, pure lust burning behind his eyes as he watches me lying underneath him. He bends down, kissing and sucking at the skin on my neck roughly, one of his hands securing my wrists over my head. I squeeze my eyes shut and try to block out the awful feelings, biting down on my lower lip so hard that soon I taste blood on my tongue.

His hand trails down my side delicately, tracing the outline of my hip. I stifle a cry of panic, but it doesn't stop the tears from breaking free of my closed eyelids and rolling down my cheeks silently. Rufus either doesn't see them, or is paying my horror no mind, because he shifts on top of me, now straddling my hips. When his mouth is pressed against mine, parting my lips forcefully, I can no longer hold back a scream.

I jerk up in bed, startled awake by the shriek of terror that came from my own lungs. Clutching my hand over my heart, I can feel it beating much too quickly in my chest, and my breathing is coming in short, shallow gasps. I swallow back the lump in my throat, trying to calm my churning stomach. I'm shivering fiercely, and I realize that it's because my entire body is covered in a sheen of cold sweat, so I pull the blankets around my shoulders to try and get warm.

Sighing in relief, I realize that it was only a nightmare, made vivid by my inherent fear of the night that it may actually happen. Rufus has respected my excuses so far, but I know the day will come when he'll tire of my game of avoidance, and I will be powerless to stop him from getting what he wants. Looking over at him sleeping on the other side of the bed, it would seem that he was not affected by me crying out in my sleep, as he is still snoring quietly. I roll back over, tugging the covers all the way up to my neck as I try to shake the haunting images from my mind.

I've spent a few days with him like this; pretending to be happily married but still cautiously avoiding his touch. False smiles forced onto my face during the day, and real tears spilling over after he's asleep in the night. It's only been a few days, but in this torturous situation, it makes it feel so much longer. We'll be leaving to go live in his castle in Midgar soon, or we _would_ be, if I wasn't planning to get away from him as soon as possible.

Just then, as if summoned by my thoughts, I hear a soft tapping on my windowpane, and when I look over towards it I can see a figure outside on the ledge. Unlike before when this very same occurrence scared me, all I feel now is extreme relief and excitement coursing through my veins, because I know who it is out there. My nightmare is finally over, because my savior has come to take me away with him.

Practically leaping out of bed, I cross the room as quickly as I can without making too much noise, and go to the window to unlatch it. It swings open quietly, and the feeling of reprieve is so strong when I see him that it nearly brings tears to my eyes. Cloud looks relieved too, but it only lasts for a second before it's replaced by fierce determination. He's come to get me out of here, and we don't have any time to waste with a reunion.

"The note?" he asks, his voice so quiet that I'm barely able to hear it.

Giving him a quick nod, I dash into the other room, the one that acts as a study, and go over to the desk, pulling out a sheet of paper and grabbing a pen. Though I didn't write the letter beforehand for fear that someone might have found it, I've recited the words over and over in my mind so many times that when I set the pen to the paper I don't hesitate for a moment. My letters scrawl out across the page, telling my father that I've run away from my new husband, but that he shouldn't worry for me. I add that I will miss him terribly and I'll always love him, because I fear that this may be the last time that I am able to have any communication with him.

When I'm finished, I fold it hastily and run back into the main room, setting it on the table where I'm sure Rufus or one of the maids will find it in the morning. I look over to see that Cloud is still lingering by the window, waiting for me to join him. The last thing I do is grab the bag that holds the few things that I'm taking with me, which I packed before I went to bed. I was expecting him tonight, so I'm already fully dressed and there's nothing left for me to do here.

I run back to the window, the pure elation coursing through my body giving me a jolt of energy, despite the fact that I've only gotten a few hours of restless sleep each night since the wedding. Cloud takes my hand, helping me through the windowsill, and within a few moments both of us are standing safely on the ground outside of the castle. We stay silent until we're outside of the castle walls, but by the time we're sitting on the back of the chocobo I cannot contain my excitement any longer.

"Thank you," I whisper fervently to him.

He turns around to look at me where I'm sitting behind him, a grin pulling up the corner of his mouth. I take his face in my hands, pouring all of my joy from this moment into a passionate kiss. It's been much too long since I've felt his lips against mine, and the feeling sets my whole body tingling with a seemingly long-forgotten sense of pleasure. My nightmare is over, and I have both my freedom and the man I love. Now we just have to get away from here.

**To be continued…**

**(A/N) **Ah, the suspense! Hehe. :3 Did I fool you with Tifa's dream? I was hoping at least one of you would fall for it, but come on, there's no way I'm letting Rufus have his way with her in my story. :P It's not over though, is it? ;)

Thanks for all of the reviews everyone! Go on; write me another one! :D

-punkiemonkie


	13. Chapter XIII

**To Have Loved and Lost  
**Chapter XIII

Cloud and I ride through the night for several long hours, always in a comfortable silence, before he decides that it's probably safe to stop and get some sleep. We only speak once during the journey, when he asks hesitantly if I was successful in keeping Rufus from touching me. I assure him that I still only belong to him, which makes his shoulders visibly relax with relief. When we finally come to a halt it's in the cover of a few trees that are bunched together in the middle of a field, and the realization that we're actually on the run now hits me for the first time.

By tomorrow morning when someone either finds the note I left or notices me missing, whether it is Rufus or anyone else, there is sure to be an uproar around the castle. I'm desperately hoping that my father will get to read my letter and he'll know by my words that I am in good hands, but even then he may not be able to stop them from looking for me. I push the thoughts from my mind, deciding that I have to enjoy this time that we have together despite what might come later.

Cloud helps me down from the chocobo's back, and I sway groggily on my feet from fatigue. He throws down a blanket so we don't have to sleep on the damp grass, but that's about as much of a bed as either of us can ask for right now. I curl up next to him easily, the heat from his body keeping me warm even on this winter night, and his chest acting as a pillow for my head. He falls asleep even before I do, and his soft snoring lulls me into a sweet, dreamless slumber.

xXxXx

That's how we spend the next few weeks; riding on the back of our chocobo during the day, going through fields and forests and across rivers. Sometimes we stop in small towns along the way; buying food and other supplies or even staying the night there on occasion. I've never been so far away from home, and if I wasn't terrified of being caught and dragged back to the castle, this might actually be a wonderful experience. I'm content to be with him though, and the fact that he's here with me makes me happy despite the other circumstances.

Cloud tells me about the town that we're going to, and while he wasn't actually able to make the trip there and back before he had to come back and get me, he's sure that it's going to be a beautiful place for us to live; somewhere that we can find peace together. It's a little town out on the coast, called Junon, and it's so far away from my old home that it will be easy to leave it behind. We won't have much when we get there, but the prospect of making a house near the ocean sounds good to me.

That brief bit of happiness that we're allowed on those nights while we're traveling is shattered one night, though; when I am startled awake by the sound of chocobos approaching. We stopped for some sleep by the edge of a stream a few hours earlier, and though we're concealed by the trees surrounding the clearing, I soon realize with a stab of horror that we forgot to put out the fire before we fell asleep. Now it's creating a smoke signal to anyone who might be looking for us, and by the sound of the coming riders, I'd say they were able to follow it pretty easily.

Cloud sits up next to me, his eyes even wider than mine probably are. We both hesitate for a second, caught in the confusion of the shock, and then we're both up and moving as fast as we're able to. I grab as many of the supplies as I can and throw them onto the chocobo's back, and he leaps into the saddle on the animal, kicking it into a run as he circles around pulls me up behind him. As he urges the bird into a full-out sprint, the forest begins flying by us in a green blur, but as I look over my shoulder I see the beginnings of the other mounted men starting to break through the trees on the other side of the clearing.

"After them!" one of the men, who has obviously spotted us, shouts.

"Don't let the kidnapper get away with our queen!" another man yells; both of them sound furious.

As if I wasn't already terrified enough, my heart rate spikes yet again when I recognize the man on the chocobo in the front of the group. It's Rufus, dressed in armor like a night leading his men, and pointing his sword at me and ordering them to follow after us.

I turn back around quickly, hugging Cloud tightly around the middle and burying my face into his shoulder blade as I pray that we can outrun them. An arrow suddenly flies past my ear, and I realize with panic that this is not just a search party, but an angry mob. Rufus must have convinced some of the townspeople that I'm not a runaway, but that Cloud has kidnapped me, and now they've been given the order to kill him so they can rescue me.

I mentioned nothing of Cloud in my note to my father, so I can't imagine how Rufus could have known to look for us together, or to paint him as my abductor. I wonder about it for a moment, and then my thoughts suddenly hitch when I come to the obvious conclusion.

Though I had nearly forgotten about it, the image of the servant that had stared at me with such horror on her face that day she saw me kiss Cloud is now perfectly clear in my mind. She had obviously kept quiet before, but she must have told them about our relationship when I disappeared, or else Rufus would have had no idea that he would find us together. Whether Rufus really believes that Cloud kidnapped me or he is just overrun with jealousy because he knows I've betrayed him, I'll never know. One thing is for certain though: now that he knows Cloud and I really have run away together, I'm sure he will stop at nothing to take me back.

Time seems to be moving in slow motion, so I'm not sure exactly how long we ride away from them with the arrows flying past us and the sound of their angry shouts echoing around us. Eventually, the voices and the projectiles cease, and Cloud pulls our chocobo to a halt when we reach a small clearing. It's freezing cold outside tonight, and bits of white snow are even beginning to fall though the trees and stick to the ground, but fright has made my skin tingle with warmth.

I breathe a deep sigh of relief when we stop, though the adrenaline is still pumping though my veins with each rapid beat of my heart. Cloud slides out of the saddle, and when his feet hit the ground he grunts with what sounds like pain. Startled by the sound, I look down at him quickly as my fear is suddenly rekindled, only for a different reason this time.

"Cloud?" I ask him with concern, hopping off of the bird's back as well.

He stumbles backwards, landing in a sitting position on a patch of thick grass that's covered by the newly fallen snow, hunching over at the middle. He doesn't answer or even look up at me, and the fact that his breathing sounds labored is really starting to worry me.

"What's wrong?" I ask again, this time my voice beginning to tremble with dread.

I get my answer when he straightens up, and I'm able to see his hand clutching at the tail end of an arrow that's protruding from his chest, just over his heart. A sharp gasp issues from my lungs briefly before it's cut off by the constricting of my throat; the feeling of horror so strong that I feel like I'm choking on it. He suddenly yanks on the shaft of the arrow, and the sound of his teeth grinding together is audible as the metal tip slides out of his flesh, leaving a hole that's gushing blood. It soaks through his shirt quickly, and then runs off into the snow in a small red pool, bringing with it the acrid smell of rust.

My body reacts instinctively, my legs pushing me towards him as fast as I'm capable of moving. I kneel beside him, where his head is cradled in my lap when he falls back. His eyes are squeezed shut, and the intense pain is obvious from the expression on his now pale face, though he doesn't make a sound. Although my mind has been numb up until now, the understanding of what's actually happening suddenly hits me full force, knocking the breath from my lungs. Cloud must have been hit by one of the archers, probably when he turned back to lift me onto the chocobo when they first appeared. The nearest town is surely hours away, and with no way for us to stop the bleeding or heal his internal injuries here, he's going to die in my arms.

The tears start first; warm, continuous tears that won't stop streaming from my eyes, and the audible sobs begin shaking my shoulders shortly after that. It's the only way I know how to react, even if my mind hasn't fully wrapped around the situation yet. My insides feel as if they're being ripped apart, cut into shreds by a razor-sharp blade that leaves them mangled and stinging fiercely. The ache in my throbbing heart is so profound that I'm barely able to register that his eyes are open and he's looking back at me now, though the image is distorted by the moisture in my eyes.

I hear him say my name softly, asking me to look at him. I hastily wipe the tears from my eyes, clearing my vision a little, though they're still running down my cheeks hopelessly. When he comes into focus, the expression on his face surprises me, because it's one of peace. He gives me a gentle smile, his bright blue eyes burning in that intense way that always lets me know the depth of how much he cares about me, even without any words.

His hand comes up to cup my cheek, and I notice with a sickening lurch of my stomach that his skin lacks its usual comforting warmth. Another round of anguished crying hits me hard, but he still uses his hand to bring my face down to his. He kisses me softly, though my lips are trembling against his and my tears are spilling onto his cheeks. Even when our lips separate he keeps my face close to his, trying in vain to brush away all of my tears.

"I love you," he whispers, stroking my face gently before his hand falls back to his side.

I try to tell him that I love him too, but the grief overtakes me, and all I can do is weep brokenly, my head falling onto his chest. I lay my ear over his heart, desperate to hear it beating evenly, and trying not to think about the warm blood touching my skin or sticking in my hair. He wraps his arms around me as tightly as he's able to, and I give myself into the overwhelming grief for a moment, crying out in staggered sobs from the agony.

"I love you too, Cloud," I'm finally able to choke out past the tears that make my throat thick. "I always will," I promise him.

Forcing my muscles to respond, I sit up then, watching him smile at my words before I lean down to press one last kiss against his warm lips. I linger there for as long as I'm able to hold myself up, but the pain is so powerful that it saps the energy from my entire body, and soon I collapse back into his chest, my whole body shaking violently with the tears once again.

Neither of us says any more, and I loose track of the long moments that I spend laying there against him, trying to console myself with the sound his familiar breathing and attempting to memorize his comforting scent. I can feel it when he leaves me; not only because that soothing sound of his heart slows and then comes to a stop, but I can feel it in my soul, because part of me is suddenly missing. My heart feels much too empty, because the thing, the man, that used to fill it up so completely, is gone.

**To be continued…**

**(A/N) **Now you know why this is in the tragedy category. -.- I hate killing off one of my absolute favorite characters, but I think it makes quite an impact for the story. ;) Sorry Cloud, I still love you! And I tried not to make it _too_ sappy, so I hope it doesn't come off that way. O.o Oh, and I know that typically the rule is that when you get some kind of object lodged into your body you're _not _supposed to yank it out, but I'm pretty sure that Cloud was screwed either way, so that's why I wrote it the way I did.

This isn't over though! (hence the "to be continued") I've still got an epilogue to post, even though it's not very long. :D

A simple "thank you" doesn't quite cover just how grateful I am for all of your lovely reviews… I would give you all a big hug if I could! :3

-punkiemonkie


	14. Epilogue

**(A/N) **Here's the epilogue. It's pretty short, but I think it ties up the story a bit better. ;)

**To Have Loved and Lost  
**Epilogue

It's been several years since that day, the day I lost the man that meant everything to me, but I can still see his face clearly every time I shut my eyes. His vivid blue eyes and easy, carefree smile will be forever etched into my mind, just like the sound of his voice and the music of his laughter. I can almost feel his arms around me when I dream of him, and I am able to remember perfectly the feeling of his kiss and the wonder of his touch.

Even though he's not able to share it with me, Cloud gave me my freedom, and I'm grateful to him every single day for it. I made it to that little oceanside town that we were going to live in together, the one called Junon, and I've been able to start a new life here. Granted, it's a life that lacks the joy of being in love, but it still holds everyday things that bring me happiness, like the sound of the waves and the salty smell of the air.

It's a quiet, pleasant place, where I now live in a small house with a wonderful view of the sea and the sunrise every morning. Zack and Aeris eventually made it here too, following Cloud's advice from before we left together, and they built their home next to mine, so I'm able to see them on a regular basis. They brought their son and daughter here with them too, of course, and now I get to watch the two of them grow bigger with each passing year.

Although I made a point to write my father a letter after all the mayhem to tell him that I was alright, I have no idea who has assumed power in my old home kingdom of Nibelheim. Quite frankly though, I couldn't care less. I'd be willing to bet that Rufus has or will find another bride to make his queen, and I can only hope that whoever she is, she won't have to share the same fate that I was forced to go through.

Despite everything that's happened to me though, I'm happy now, even if I do still miss Cloud terribly. He was my best friend; the only man I could ever imagine loving. I will always have the memories of my time with him, even if it was unfairly cut short, and ripped away from us because of circumstances we couldn't control. I could never forget all those little things about him that I've stored within my mind, or that amazing feeling that comes from being with your soul's perfect match; those are things that I will keep with me for as long as I live.

They say that it is better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all. Now that I have experienced both love and loss, I finally understand what that means. My heart will always ache for the death of the only man I have ever loved, but I'm grateful for every second that I was allowed to spend with him, and for everything that he's given me. Everything, including child lying fast asleep in my arms now. A beautiful little girl with dark hair and bright blue eyes; her father's eyes.

**The End**

**(A/N) **Tragedy or not, I suppose it's _sort_ of a happy ending…maybe? O.o And I'm hoping that you'll all get the message I tried to weave into this: that you should be thankful for the good times and not complain when they're over, because no one really deserves happiness like that anyway; it's a gift. That's what I've always understood the "It's better to have loved…" phrase to mean. ;)

Anyhow, I absolutely _adore_ Cloud and Tifa together, so I hope I was able to do them justice even in this odd setting. :3 Even though this is over, it doesn't mean that I won't be writing anymore! As you can see if you check my profile, I've got several stories in the works at the moment, and I'm nearly done with a new oneshot. :3

Of course, I would be horribly remiss if I didn't appreciate all of you that took the time to review this story, so thank you so much to everybody who reviewed and supported me with this!_angelockheart, ashleystoletheworld, Awww, Cedarville, chinatulip, cloudlover2989, computerangel21, crackitlackin, DrakeGirl-San, eitaro00, elebelly, EternallySurprised, EverythingRPG, goatgod, GundamWingFanatic90, Heloeyes, Honest101, KCVII, keywordparamore, LOstGirlz, MyfinalfantasyVII, Rend, sam, sarah, Sheiky, Shibara1310, Spacer196, SugarHoney91, Summoner Yuki, sweetdeadlysilence (andy), Twilight-Imp-626, VivaLaQueen, vx-Luna-xv _and _Yukina-Kun62._

And thanks to anyone who favorited it or will review/favorite in the future. You guys are all completely, unbelievably awesome, so I hope this won't be the last time that I hear from any of you. :D

-punkiemonkie


End file.
